Super Smash Bros: The Sitcom
by RonnyBravo the Breadghost
Summary: You thought you knew all of your favorite characters in Super Smash Bros. But have you ever wondered just what goes on behind the scenes? Have you ever thought about what their true personalities are when you aren't watching them? Come see what your favorite characters are REALLY like in SSB: The Sitcom! Prepare yourselves for the insanity that awaits you.
1. Irony Part 1

**A/N: Be warned. This story could get RFH. That is, really freaking hilarious. Also, this is Game777Guy approved. Please enjoy. **

Pit didn't quite know what to think as he looked upon the scene before him. He had been eagerly running about the Smash Manor trying tidy things up for the last week after he received a bit of exciting news; Palutena was joining the crew at the big house. He wanted to make sure she felt comfortable and welcome, and had annoyed people to no end with how they needed to behave around her. So as soon as he had heard that she was arriving, he had rushed to the lobby, where she would be welcomed and greeted. However, upon his arrival, he had seen the most unusual sight; Ganondorf, of all people, was walking around her and just staring.

Usually, Ganon was the first to throw out an insult or threat to the newcomers; he had done so to Pit when Pit had arrived years earlier. But as he looked upon this scene, Pit doubted he had gotten a word out. He seemed so interested in Palutena. Palutena was just following him awkwardly as he circled around her. After a few moments, Pit decided to intervene.

"Uh… hi Lady Palutena!" Pit exclaimed as brightly as he could, "How are you doing?" Every face in the room turned to him; there were seven. Mario and Peach stood in one corner, Captain Falcon leaned against a wall, and Ness comforted a crying Lucas in another corner, for the younger boy had gotten his rejection letter and would not be joining the crew in the next Smash. Ganon looked at Pit in disgust.

"Oh, Pit!" Palutena exclaimed, walking over to him, "There you are. I'm fine. It looks great around here!" She leaned in close to him as Ganon watched cautiously.

"Who is this guy?" she whispered in concern. Pit hesitated as he looked around her. Ganon was slowly making his way around one side of them. Captain Falcon was chuckling in the corner. Mario watched in intrigue, Peach in concern.

"He's… an anatomist," said Pit. The Captain looked about ready to burst.

"Oh," said Palutena as Ganon closed in again, "That's… nice." She backed away from him but he followed her like a dog. Pit scratched the back of his head as he followed her around the lobby. He had no clue what was going on. Captain Falcon walked over to him, chuckling.

"I think Ganon has taken a liking to your goddess," he said, "They'd make a nice couple, wouldn't you say?"

"Uh… yeah," said Pit, unsure of what the Captain meant.

"We should totally set them up," said Captain Falcon, slapping Pit on the back with the power of a Falcon Punch, knocking him to the ground, "It'll be hilarious." Captain Falcon laughed out loud and then saw Pit sprawled out on the floor.

"Can't… feel… my wings…" Pit moaned. Captain Falcon pulled him off of the ground by the arm and dusted him off.

"Sorry kiddo," he said, "I get a little excited sometimes. Now come on! We've got some plotting to do!" As he walked off, Pit fell to the ground again. He popped back into the room and dragged Pit out by the leg. In all of this, Palutena was still trying to avoid Ganondorf the anatomist while Mario and Peach argued about romance in the corner and Ness encouraged Lucas to be strong, an action that would eventually lead to the boy's takeover of the Smasher World and later the multiverse. But that is a story for another time.

* * *

"We need a love doctor first!" Captain Falcon exclaimed as Pit followed, painfully rubbing the rug burns on his arms, leg, and face. They were headed into the basement, where it was said Dr. Mario had been allowed to stay for some reason during the events of Super Smash Bros Brawl. Many had stated he had gone crazy searching for the secret ingredients to a power potion that would enhance any fighter's physical abilities to extreme amounts. Sure enough, they found a door at the bottom of the stairs with the clichéd "Do not enter" sign with a skull and crossbones. And do you know what our good friends did? You guessed it—as per the cliché, they ignored the sign and entered.

They were immediately met with sirens and a flashing red light (also as per the cliché). They were immediately faced with five robots, descended from the ceiling. Captain Falcon prepared his fiery fists to fight. Pit, suffering rug burn, could barely lift his bow. Before anything could happen however, a figure appeared from the darkness.

"Who dares walk into my lair?" asked a crinkled old voice. Out of the shadows walked a man identical to Mario, but, contrary to the red clothed plumber Pit knew about, he wore a white lab coat, a doctor's headband, and had saggy eyes, eyes that clearly lacked sleep. Other than the saggy eyes, he looked relatively young.

The Captain retracted his fists and saluted.

"Dr. Mario, veteran from Melee," he said officially, "It is in an honor to meet you again."

"Oh… it's you," said Dr. Mario, his voice changing to a younger, spritely tone with a touch of annoyance, "Alright then… everyone back." The robots immediately retreated and the red lights stopped.

"Who's the chicken with you?" Dr. Mario asked, licking his lips.

"Don't even start that with me!" Pit yelled, "I am NOT a chicken."

"I don't know," said Dr. Mario, "I live on diet pills and you're looking pretty tasty." Pit nearly fainted.

"Now, now," said Dr. Mario, "I'm only kidding. But seriously. What the heck are you doing here?"

"Well good doctor," said Captain Falcon, "We need the assistance of… well… how do I put it?"

"A 'love doctor'?" Pit asked, making quotations with his fingers. Before Captain Falcon could make some witty remark, Dr. Mario cut in.

"Nope," he said, "No can do."

"What?" Captain Falcon cried, "Why not!?"

"What do I look like to you, a magician?" Dr. Mario asked in annoyance, "I can't just up and make people fall in love!"

"What if one of them…"

"Nope," said Dr. Mario, "Can't do it." He crossed his arms and waited. Captain Falcon and Pit looked at each other.

"But you're a doctor!" Captain Falcon exclaimed, "The best one in…"

"I'm the only doctor in this gaming world," said Dr. Mario, reading his mind again, "And I can't make people fall in love."

"You don't have any medicines that can…"

"Nope."

"No robots…"

"Nope."

"You've got to do something!" Captain Falcon cried, "This is big! Really big!" Dr. Mario rolled his eyes.

"How much 'nope' are you going to take before you get the heck out of my lab?" he asked, clearly annoyed. Pit cut in.

"Yeah… maybe we should…"

"You can't whip up…" Dr. Mario threw a pill in his mouth and he fell to the ground choking on it.

"Good lord…" he said, addressing Pit, "He still never shuts up?" Pit shook his head and shrugged. Captain Falcon spit the pill out and jumped up.

"I have a proposition to make!" he exclaimed. Dr. Mario gave a high-five to his face.

"I already told you I can't do it!" he yelled, "Will you please just shut up and get…"

"You whip something up for us and I'll get Master Hand to let you back into the Smash," Captain Falcon said lightly. Dr. Mario's sagging eyes suddenly brightened. He ran back to his lab table and began mixing some random liquids together. Five seconds later, he put a glass vial into Captain Falcon's hand.

"Give the target only 4.56 fluid ounces of the concoction or it won't work right," he said rapidly, "No more, no less. If too much is applied, you run the risk of overloading the target's circulatory system and causing them to spontaneously combust. If too little is applied, the target will have nightmares about ducks swimming in poison every three nights for the rest of their lives. If the right amount is applied, the target will fall in love with the next person they see for about forty-eight hours. Do you understand?" He had spoken so fast that all Captain Falcon could do was nod. Pit shook his head.

"You came up with this in five seconds?" Pit asked. Dr. Mario shrugged.

"I consider myself a genius," he said, "So when can I expect my letter?"

"Within six hours," said Captain Falcon, flashing a smile, "Thanks Doc!" He ran out of the room. Pit was hesitant to follow. Dr. Mario gleefully skipped back over to his table doing a happy dance and singing some wacky tune. Pit looked to the exit and back at Dr. Mario, trying to decide which weirdo he'd rather be stuck with, and then, as Dr. Mario drank a potion and began to laugh like a madman, he ran out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

* * *

In the meantime, Ganon had stalked Palutena all the way to her room. He would not leave her door and just stood there as she busied herself settling in. It disturbed her that every time she looked out the peephole, he was still standing there.

"What is so interesting that he intends on studying me?" she asked herself, checking her appearance in the mirror. She frowned at her dress and snapped her fingers. The dress became blue. She smiled. A goddess could never look too brilliant after all. That thought in mind, she began to wonder if Ganon the anatomist was so interested in her because she was a goddess. Perhaps he hadn't studied one before.

She walked back over to the door and took another look out the peephole. He was still there, staring at the door. She thought for a moment and smiled. She picked up her staff and held it up.

"Warp!" she cried out. She appeared outside of the door behind Ganondorf. The King of Evil didn't break his gaze at the door. She stared in fascination.

"_He's really into this…" _she thought to herself. She tapped the back of his head with her staff. He immediately turned around and she fell backwards.

"Oh… uh… hi…" she said with a sheepish smile. They stared at each other for a few seconds. There was awkward tension. Finally, Palutena got herself up, pushing her staff into the ground and stepping onto her feet. Ganondorf's eyes moved up with her. She dusted herself off quickly and smiled.

"So… how are you doing?" she asked heartily. He didn't give her an answer. He just kept staring. Her smile disappeared for a few seconds. She spoke again.

"Well… my servant has told me much about you," said Palutena, "It must be hard to have to deal with all of those bodies. It stinks after a while doesn't it?" Ganondorf looked surprised.

"Oh…" he spoke finally, "Oh yes. O-of course. One can't have… too many bodies in the cellar though. I need someplace to put all of the war casualties…"

"Oh, so you work in the army," said Palutena, "Interesting… you must be very tough to withstand the smell of rotting flesh. And all of that death." Ganondorf blushed hard.

"Y-yes," he stuttered, "O-of course." Palutena smiled, satisfied to at least have gotten a word out of him. She moved on with the conversation.

"Well then, I suppose we should introduce ourselves," said Palutena, twirling around her staff and summoning a very anime-ish flashy background, "My name is Palutena, Goddess of Light. I rule the divine realm of Skyworld truthfully and justly. It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance." The background faded as Ganondorf stared at her stupidly. She nodded to him, suspended one foot in the air, hanging onto her staff, telling him to go on.

"Oh… my name is Ganondorf," said Ganondorf. He paused. Then he added: "King of Evil." Palutena looked at him funny and then put her hands on her hips and let her staff fall against the wall behind her. She got into his face.

"And anatomy?" she asked. Ganondorf nodded quickly. She smiled, satisfied.

"Very interesting," she said, nodding with a hand on her chin, "I've never heard of someone double majoring in evil and anatomy. You're pretty unique for a mortal." Ganondorf gave a subtle _phew _before continuing.

"Uh… actually… I'm not… entirely mortal," said Ganon, holding up a finger sheepishly, "I can't really…die per se. It's a thing…"

"Oh really?" Palutena asked in surprise.

"Y-yes," said Ganon with a sheepish smile.

"How is that?" she asked.

"Oh," he said, holding up the back of his hand. Palutena examined it and saw a glowing triangle directly below his middle knuckle, within a triangle with two other triangles that were not glowing.

"It's the Triforce of Power," Ganondorf explained, "As long as I have it, I am immortal." Palutena nodded in approval.

"So… do you want to… uh…" Ganondorf's words fumbled. Before he could pick himself up, Palutena exclaimed, "Of course! I'd love to." Ganondorf doubled over in shock.

"What!?" he cried.

"I said I'd love to," said Palutena, "I'm really interested in where you've been with your anatomical studies. And if you'd like…" She flipped her hair and smiled cutely. Ganondorf couldn't help but stare.

"I'll see you downstairs in the dining hall in two hours," she said. And with that, she walked away. Ganon watched her go. As soon as she disappeared, he ran down the hall in the opposite direction, bypassing and knocking over Pit, who had been looking for the Captain. Pit, sprawled out on the floor and hating his life, watched Ganondorf run off faster than he had ever seen the King of Evil run.

"He's happy," said a voice from above him. He looked up and saw Captain Falcon holding a glass of water.

"Where have you been?" Pit groaned, "I've been looking all over for you."

"Well I had to go negotiate with Master Hand," he said, taking a sip of water, "Which worked due to my 'special privileges'. And then I came back here."

"How coincidental…" Pit said in annoyance.

"Not really," said Captain Falcon, tapping the door, "This is my room."

"Oh," said Pit. Captain Falcon downed his glass of water.

"Well, looks like we won't be needing that love potion," said Captain Falcon, "Judging by the way that he was running, he got a date." Pit shot up in shock.

"Wait, what!?" he cried, "With Lady Palutena!?"

"I reckon so," said Captain Falcon.

"Oh man… what have I done!?" Pit cried, holding his head, "Oh man… oh man, oh man, oh man… Lady Palutena's in danger! She can't go on a date with the King of Evil… That… that just doesn't make any sense! The whole universe is going to collapse! I'm going to collapse! This can't be happening! Oh no... oh no… oh no, no, no, no, no…"

Captain Falcon just watched Pit have his mental breakdown in confusion.

"That's strange…" he said to himself, "Oh well. That idiot clone of mine will embarrass himself all the same. He'll pay for jacking my style." He pulled out the love potion and looked at his empty glass. A grin crept across his face. He chuckled.

"I've got to use it on someone…" he said, carefully measuring out the proper amount of the fluid into the glass using his visor. It turned out that there were 4.56 fluid ounces of the stuff in the vial anyway.

"_Why'd he bother with the warnings then?_" Captain Falcon thought to himself. He shrugged and headed down the hallway toward the weight room, leaving Pit writhing on the floor, begging life for mercy.

* * *

Ganondorf crashed through the door of Link's room.

"Hey fairy boy!" he yelled, "I need help! Help me!" Link, who was reading a magazine with his feet upon a desk, stared at Ganondorf as though the King of Evil was from another planet. Ganondorf ran up to Link and shook him by the shoulders.

"You've gotta help me man!" Ganon cried, "I can't mess this up! This is the one! You've gotta!" Link kept staring at him in confusion.

"ARE YOU DEAF OR SOMETHING!?" Ganondorf screamed, dark lightning flashing around him evilly, "THIS IS FOR THE GREATER GOOD! LIFE OR DEATH! HELP ME!" Zelda appeared from nowhere (by which I mean a green swirling light) and pushed Ganon away from Link gently.

"Alright," she said, "Take it easy. No need to be so desperate that you forget Link is a silent protagonist. Now, here's what you need to do. Sheik!" Sheik appeared from nowhere (by which I mean a cloud of smoke) as well and the two women pushed him out of the room and shut the door behind them, leaving Link to his magazine and his thoughts. Now out in the hallway, Zelda slapped Ganondorf's face a few times lightly.

"Now, are you alright?" Zelda asked, "Good. Now, if you want to have a good date…"

"Wait, how did you know that I have date?" Ganondorf asked. Zelda put both hands on his shoulders and looked him straight in his yellow eyes.

"Women know things Ganon," said Zelda sincerely, "Now, in order to have a good date, you have to… feel the chemistry. You know?" Ganondorf looked at her like an idiot. Zelda made a weird face and stared for a few seconds.

"Okay… how about this," she said, "You have to… be loose. No being so stiff and heavy on a date."

"Stay cool and collected," Sheik said quietly, "Hide your fears. Be a ninja with your words."

"What she said," said Zelda, "Also…" She pulled at the back of his hair a few times.

"Ow!" Ganondorf cried as she pulled out a hair.

"Sorry," Zelda said absentmindedly, still stumbling with his hair. Finally, she gave up.

"Your hair is so uncooperative," said Zelda, "When was the last time you showered?"

"Uh… about three years ago," said Ganondorf. As Zelda quickly held her nose, Sheik walked up behind him and touched a part of his hair and it fell down to its full length, reaching all the way down to the middle of his back and falling into his face.

"I feel… ridiculous," said Ganondorf, blowing some hair out of his face. Zelda, still holding her nose, nodded.

"It's in style," she said, though with her nasal passages blocked, "Women love a guy with long hair. You should wear it like that more often… it looks great on you. Sheik?" Sheik nodded and dashed around him. She stopped five seconds later. Ganondorf's hair had been tied into a multi-layer pony-tail.

"Good," said Zelda, releasing her grip on her nose for no particular reason, "Let's see… anything else?"

"Fancy outfits?" Sheik questioned. Zelda snapped her fingers.

"I've got that covered," Zelda said. She rushed back into Link's room. There was a scream from the other side and a lot of yelling for a few seconds. Then Zelda rushed out and backed the door shut behind her, breathing hard. She was holding a tuxedo outfit. Sheik and long-haired Ganondorf stared at her. She quickly perked up, dismissing any "incidents" that might have occurred in the last couple of seconds.

"This should fit," said Zelda, handing Ganondorf the tuxedo, "Even though Link is like two feet shorter than you… uh… yeah, it should work fine." Ganondorf immediately began to disrobe.

"NO!" Zelda screamed, "NOT HERE!" Ganondorf, in panic, ran down the hallway to the communal restrooms, the tuxedo flowing behind him. Zelda fell to the ground, heart racing.

"Are you alright?" Sheik asked nonchalantly.

"I will be once I'm out of the presence of any and all men for seventy-two hours," said Zelda, holding a hand to her chest, "Oh. My. Gosh. What has happened to chivalry?"

"Feminism," said Sheik dismissively.

* * *

Captain Falcon looked about the weight room. The two Wii Fit Trainers, who were not-so-recent arrivals at this point, were discussing fitness techniques in one corner. Ike was lifting some ridiculous fictional amount of weight in another. Marth was beating up a Sandbag with the rapier-like Falchion in the center of the room. The Captain walked over to Marth.

"How's that going for you?" he asked.

"Fine," Marth said, short of breath, "Don't interrupt. Combo streak."

"Oh," said Captain Falcon. He walked past Marth and moved over toward Ike.

"Hey man," he said, "How much is that?"

"Almost… a thousand!" said Ike, straining. He managed to get the weight to a peak. Then he dropped it onto the holders.

"Nice," said Captain Falcon, "But you know I can lift OVER 9000!" Ike got up and laughed.

"Sorry Cap," said Ike, "Dragon Ball Z isn't canon in this realm. That joke is irrelevant."

"Well I can still lift over 9000," said Captain Falcon.

"Really?" said Ike in mockery, "Let's see it." Captain Falcon set the cup down on a small table and began adding the additional weights. As he was grabbing the last of them, he looked back over to Ike and visibly paled. There was an empty glass in the one-handed swordsman's hand. He was looking directly at Marth, who was wiping his brow.

"Ike…" Captain Falcon said, almost dropping the weight he held on his foot. Ike took a step toward Marth. Marth turned and saw Ike. Ike, making eye contact with him, suddenly dashed toward the other swordsman with arms open. Marth jumped out of the way and Ike tackled the sandbag.

"Nice form!" said the male Wii Fit Trainer.

"Just a little more level and that would have been a perfect tackle!" said the female.

"Marth, run!" Captain Falcon yelled, "Run for your life! He drank a love potion!" Marth looked between the Captain and Ike, who was getting up from the ground. He took the advice and began running. Ike pursued him. Captain Falcon ran to the door and watched as they ran down the hallway and disappeared.

"What have I done…" Captain Falcon gasped.

"I wish I could say the same for his running," said the male Wii Fit Trainer, "He's so slow… he needs to focus more on exercising the thighs."

"I agree," said the female Wii Fit Trainer, "And the abdomen."

"And the knees."

"And the chest. "

"And…"

Captain Falcon ran after them decisively. He had done something terrible. Something so unspeakably terrible that the fate of the world and the Super Smash Bros fanbase hung in the balance of the outcome of this situation. Marth's identity as a straight male had to be preserved or else.


	2. Irony Part 2

"So you've attempted takeover of Hyrule how many times?" Palutena asked in intrigue.

"Let's see… 2… 3… 5… 8 times," Ganon replied, "And more often than not, I've almost succeeded."

"Very interesting," Palutena mused, "You have quite the villainous resume."

"I take pride in it," said Ganon, "So… have you done anything significant?" Palutena leaned back and stretched.

"Well, being the goddess of light, I have many significant duties," said Palutena, "Like guiding Pit to save the heavenly realms. And keeping Medusa in check." She leaned forward again and put her hands on the table in thought.

"Hmm… I don't quite remember anything else… that's odd… I know I've done more than that…"

"I'm sure you have," said Ganon with a smile. Palutena smiled back.

"I'm probably just flustered… I've never actually sat down and talked to a real evil villain before," said Palutena, leaning back, "Usually I just end up throwing it all down to go against them. You know how gaming protocol is." Ganon nodded.

"I know it," he said, "I get tired of it all after a while. But I keep going on with it. I wonder why…"

"Wouldn't it be interesting if we just got out of our roles every once in a while…" Palutena mused.

"That's just what I'm saying," said Ganon, "Look past what we look like and who we are. Try our hands at something else for a change. Like we're doing right now." Palutena nodded with a "mm-hmm".

"You know, for two very different people, we think a lot alike," she said after a few moments.

"I agree," said Ganon with a smile.

"I rather enjoy your company," said Palutena.

"And I yours," said Ganon. They stared for a few seconds just smiling at each other. Then they moved in closer. Their mouths came close to meeting. Then Marth ran by screaming, followed by Ike, who was yelling, "YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL! COME BACK!" at the top of his lungs. Captain Falcon jumped the table and quickly pursued them, throwing a quick "Sorry!" over his shoulder. Palutena and Ganondorf sat up and stared after them.

"… Is that normal?" Palutena asked. Ganondorf shrugged.

"I don't know what anybody in this place is thinking half the time," he replied, "Did I mention that your dress looks amazing?"

* * *

Pit lied motionless on the floor. He was barely breathing. Nobody had passed by him in the last three hours. All he could think about was how close he was to death. He was writing his will in his head, ready to leave everything he owned (which wasn't much) to Lady Palutena in hopes that she would remember herself and break whatever spell Ganondorf had her under. He shut his eyes as his heart rate slowed dramatically. "_This is it…_" he thought to himself, "_I… I'm sorry Lady Palutena… I've failed to protect you… I… I'm…_"

"What the heck are you doing moron?" a voice came from above him. Pit stopped dying. Above him stood a very familiar face.

"Pittoo!?" Dark Pit delivered a swift kick to his side and he screamed in pain.

"Enough…" Pit whined softly as he curled into the fetal position, "Why does the world hate me?"

"Why are you on the floor?" Dark Pit asked, crossing his arms.

"Why are you here!?" Pit cried, sitting up from the ground. Dark Pit held up an envelope.

"Oh… you got invited…"

"Yeah, and you know what?" said Dark Pit in disdain, "It wasn't worth the effort."

"What!? But this is a huge honor!" Pit cried. Dark Pit stared at him. Pit thought for a second.

"Well if you didn't want to come here, then why did you come?" Pit asked, "It's really easy to deny an invitation. You just check the box that says 'no'."

"They told me I had a 99.99999999% chance of not being a clone of you," Dark Pit said, crossing his arms, "But then I got here and they gave me my moveset and guess what? I'm a clone of you! There was literally no point in coming!"

"Sooooo… are you leaving?"

"No! Are you kidding me? It took, like, 6 billion hearts to bribe Viridi into bringing me here!"

"You bribed Viridi?"

"Yes, I did. What's it to you?"

"Nothing."

"Then why'd you ask?"

"Well…"

"That's what I thought," said Dark Pit, "Now what are you doing on the floor?"

"Moping," said Pit, demeanor immediately changing to dark and dreary.

"Can you be more specific?" Dark Pit asked, "And a little less emo?" Pit looked up and shook his head.

"You don't understand my sorrow…" he said grimly, "Lady Palutena is in a grave place. And I can't do anything about it…"

"Oh," said Dark Pit, attitude changing slightly, "What happened? Do you need help?"

"Yeah, help would be nice," said Pit as he stood up, "She's under the control of the Evil King. Somehow… ugh… it's… it's just so terrible to think about."

"That does sound pretty bad," said Dark Pit, "Where is she?" Marth ran by screaming, stringing in between the two angels, followed by Ike and then Captain Falcon, who threw a "Sorry!" over his shoulder. Dark Pit and Pit both blinked twice as the three men raced down the hall. Dark Pit pursed his lips.

"… Is… that normal?" he asked. Pit shook his head.

"What did he do this time?" Pit questioned as he watched Captain Falcon disappear around a corner after the two swordsmen. Zelda and Sheik walked up to them from behind.

"Did you two see that?" Zelda asked, "Wasn't that Marth and Ike and Captain Falcon?"

"A bunch of screaming weirdos was all I saw," said Dark Pit, folding his arms again, "Seriously, does this happen all the time?"

"I fear something terrible has happened," said Sheik, closing her eyes and pointing two fingers down the hallway.

"What's she doing?" Dark Pit asked after a few seconds. Zelda stared at Sheik for a few moments.

"I have no clue," said Zelda, "She just says, 'Don't question the ways of the Sheikah' every time I ask."

"Don't question the ways of the Sheikah," said Sheik. Dark Pit jumped. She had appeared behind him out of nowhere.

"Captain Falcon has… drugged Ike with a love potion…" said Sheik.

"Oh," said Pit, "Well that explains a lot." Sheik gave him the evil eye and he shut up quickly.

"And Ike is chasing after Marth in infatuation," Sheik finished. Zelda and Pit both gasped. Dark Pit gave a confused look.

"So?" Dark Pit inquired, "Isn't that, like, okay now?"

"You don't understand…" Zelda said gravely, "Marth's identity as a straight male is at stake. Whenever this happens..." She shuddered. Dark Pit stared at the three people around him.

"I swear, this place gets weirder and weirder with every passing second."

"Whenever Marth's identity is at stake… the fanbase… it becomes unstable," Zelda said shakily, "And after the fanbase… the Fire Emblem fanbase… and after that…"

"The world," Sheik said epically.

"Hey!" Zelda cried, "I wanted to say it!"

"Well maybe you shouldn't have left a dramatic pause there," said Sheik.

"Why you…" While the two women started a catfight, Dark Pit approached Pit.

"We should probably go find Palutena," said Dark Pit, "Get her out of the mess she's in." Pit just stared into space.

"What now?" Dark Pit inquired

"The… the world-"

"Oh my gods…" Dark Pit grabbed Pit by the arm and dragged him, still staring off into space, down the hallway, leaving Sheik to pummel Zelda with her awesome ninja skills and deadly needles.

* * *

Captain Falcon jumped Kirby and Jigglypuff and almost tripped over Pikachu on the way down the next hallway.

"Sorry!" he yelled over his shoulder. Ike's pursuit was relentless. Marth screamed continuously. It briefly occurred to the good captain that this chase would be a lot more interesting if they had F-Zero vehicles… In the midst of his thoughts, he crashed into Lucario and was thrown to the ground.

"Watch where you're going!" the Aura Pokémon yelled telepathically, "Dear Arceus, I thought it was against the rules to—" Captain Falcon jumped up and ran past him, knocking him to the ground.

"Sorry!" he yelled as he reached the end of the hallway. The hallway split into two. He heard Marth's screams coming from the right. He ran as fast as he could. As he reached the halfway point of this hallway, Wario, King Dedede, and Meta Knight turned the corner, followed by Rosalina and a few Lumas, whom they were showing around. Captain Falcon, being a man of the F-Zero track, had no brakes to spare. Thinking quickly, he set his fists on fire, slammed them together, and knocked Wario, King Dedede, and Meta Knight off of their feet. He briefly stopped to kiss Rosalina on the hand as a gentleman would before dashing off again. Rosalina blushed a little. The Lumas stared in confusion, while Wario, King Dedede, and Meta Knight groaned in pain on the floor behind them.

The captain made good ground on the two swordsmen subsequently. He got closer and closer to Ike and began plotting how to grab the muscular swordsman's cape. Then, from nowhere, Sonic came up beside him, running backwards.

"What's this?" Sonic asked, "A race?" Before Captain Falcon could say anything, Sonic piped up.

"Count me in!" Sonic exclaimed, turning around. He took off down the hallway at top speed, briefly spinning Ike around in his place. Captain Falcon made a mental note to thank the blue blur later as he tackled Ike to the ground.

"Let me go!" Ike cried, "My love is getting away!"

"Shut up you meat-brained idiot!" Captain Falcon yelled, Falcon Punching him in the back of the head. Ike's head slammed into the ground and he was instantly KOd. Captain Falcon stood up and put his foot on Ike's back in triumph.

"Now… you see…" Captain Falcon said, out of breath, "The Falcon Punch… is… unstoppable… Phew… Talk about a hedgehog-ex-machina…" Captain Falcon suddenly heard the slamming of a door and a large amount of hooting and hollering. He looked to his left and saw a staircase. He visibly paled.

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!" Dr. Mario screamed as he charged out of the staircase and knocked Captain Falcon into the wall. The doctoral version of the greatest hero in gaming raised a paper clenched in his fist above his head. He was smiling so profusely that Dark Pit stopped in his tracks as he dragged Pit down the hallway.

"I'M BACK!" Dr. Mario screamed, "LET'S SEE YOU DROP ME AGAIN WHY DON'T WE!?" He looked down at his feet and saw Ike knocked out on the floor.

"Oh…" said Dr. Mario, "Are you alright?" Captain Falcon, barely able to open his eyes, saw Dr. Mario lowering a pill to Ike's mouth.

"N-no!" Captain Falcon yelled. Dr. Mario shoved the pill into Ike's mouth in surprise. Ike swallowed it. He immediately shot up and began running again. Dr. Mario was thrown to the ground. Dr. Mario got up and looked over at Captain Falcon.

"What's up with him?" Dr. Mario asked, "Oh, thanks for the favor by the way. I can't wait to beat my stupid clone's—"

"He! Da! Doh! Nah! Drank! Ugh! No! Dee! Love! Pra! Cha! Doo! Potion!" Captain Falcon barely managed to speak. Dr. Mario's expression turned grave as Captain Falcon fell to the ground mourning the soon-to-be death of the universe.

"Who… who is he chasing?" Dr. Mario asked.

"M-m-m—"

"Oh crap," Dr. Mario deadpanned, "What in the world did you do?"

"He… He did it!" Captain Falcon yelled, pointing down the hallway, "And… and…. And now…"

"I know good and well what's going to happen," Dr. Mario said, pulling his lab coat tighter and pulling a syringe out of his pocket, "This is gonna be tricky. I'm going to need to remove some of the potion from his bloodstream. He'll have nightmares about ducks swimming in poison every three nights for the rest of his life, but that doesn't matter." Captain Falcon nodded quickly.

"And I'll be wiping the floor with your guts on Battlefield when this is all over," said Dr. Mario, making eye contact. Captain Falcon nodded quickly again.

"Wait, what!?" Captain Falcon cried as Dr. Mario began walking away.

"I said—"

"Let's just go," said Captain Falcon. They ran down the hallway and around the next corner. Dark Pit blinked a few times.

"I told you…" Pit said quietly.

"Shut up," said Dark Pit, "Where's the dining hall again?"

"Down this hall, to the right…" Pit said in depression.

"You said that last time," said Dark Pit, "And we got lost. Which way is it really?"

"Down this hall, to the right," said Pit, immediately going back to moping. Dark Pit groaned.

"You're such dead weight," said Dark Pit. Pit stooped lower. He fell onto the ground limp. Dark Pit rolled his eyes in disgust.

"Not literally you chicken."

"Don't call me that!" Pit yelled, shooting up and punching Dark Pit in the face. Dark Pit, in rage, almost sliced Pit's head off with his Silver Bow. He held it in, just barely. One of the knives was touching the white angel's neck. He pulled back.

"Well," said Dark Pit, almost smiling, "Now I know what to call you."

"I could call you just the same!" Pit yelled.

"Shut up," said Dark Pit, "Let's just go. What's this 'Evil King' doing to Palutena anyway?"

* * *

"You've got to be kidding me," said Dark Pit when he saw Palutena and Ganondorf laughing at a table in the middle of the dining hall.

"See?" Pit said, throwing his hands forward, "It's horrible!" Dark Pit slapped Pit in the back of the head and the white angel fell to the ground.

"She's on a date with him you chicken!" Dark Pit yelled, "And here you had me thinking that he was trying to murder her or something!" Palutena and Ganondorf took notice of the two angels.

"Oh, Dark Pit!" Palutena exclaimed, "You were invited too? Come, come, sit down. I want you to meet a good friend of mine."

"See?" Dark Pit said with a smirk, grabbing Pit from off of the floor and dragging him over to the table. He sat a dazed Pit down in a chair opposite of him and then sat down himself.

"You're a newbie too are you?" Ganondorf asked Dark Pit.

"Yeah," said Dark Pit, "I was reluctant to come. Especially after finding out I have the same moveset as the chicken over here." Pit snapped out of his daze and almost flew across the table. Palutena stopped him.

"Now Pit," she said, "Table manners please." Pit grumbled and folded his arms, throwing murderous looks at Ganondorf and Dark Pit.

"Well," said Palutena, "We were just discussing other fighters and strategies to use against them. Care to join?"

"Sure," said Dark Pit. Pit listened hatefully to their discussion, trying to plot out how he was going to kick both Ganondorf and Dark Pit's butts on the battlefield. He didn't have very long to think, as screaming came from the hallway behind him. He and the other table members turned around. Marth ran into the room, pursued by Ike, who was gaining fast. Captain Falcon and Dr. Mario followed in not-so-hot pursuit.

"Oh no…" said Pit.

"What's 'oh no'?" Palutena asked. Ike tackled Marth. Pit's eyes went wide.

"Oh no!" Pit cried. Ganondorf smacked his forehead.

"Oh no!" he cried, "How did I not see that before! This is bad!"

"What's going on!?" Palutena cried. Ike brought his mouth close to Marth's and spoke.

"At last my love, we are reunited," said Ike, "Kiss me…" Marth squealed in fear. Palutena stood up immediately in understanding, as did Ganondorf.

"Let's do this," said Palutena. Ganon nodded. They ran to opposite sides of Ike and Marth. Ganon summoned a black ball of energy while Palutena summoned a white one. They threw the balls of energy at the two men. They were both enveloped. When the light and darkness cleared, Ike was floating in midair, surrounded in a black outline, still trying to kiss the other swordsman, who was now five feet away. Marth was still squealing in traumatized fear, floating and surrounded by white light. Captain Falcon and Dr. Mario slowed to a walking pace as they entered the room. Dr. Mario immediately went up to Ike and shoved the syringe into his butt. Ike screamed. The dark energy dissipated and he fell to the ground. Dr. Mario pulled out and held up the syringe, now full of liquid, in triumph. Palutena dissipated the light energy surrounding Marth. Captain Falcon and Pit both breathed a sigh of relief. Dark Pit just stared, unable to make anything of all of the stupid that had just happened before his eyes.

Everyone but Dark Pit met in the center of the room around Marth, who was wide-eyed and curled in the fetal position.

"Thanks for the assist," said Captain Falcon, shaking Ganondorf's hand, "I'll have to beat the crap out of… I mean, do you a favor sometime." Dr. Mario tapped Captain Falcon's arm. Captain Falcon looked at him.

"Ahem…" said Dr. Mario, clearing his throat and gesturing toward the hallway that led to the stage select. Captain Falcon shuddered and began whimpering as Dr. Mario began dragging him away.

"It wasn't any trouble at all," said Palutena taking Ganondorf's hands. She kissed him on the cheek. Ganondorf and Pit both fainted immediately.

"Oh…" said Palutena, "Is that against the rules?" She pondered it for a moment before dismissing the issue. She left the room satisfied with her first day at the Smash Manor.

Dark Pit stared at all of the literally floored Smashers. He shook his head.

"I swear, this place will be my grave…" he said to himself, "I'm surrounded by idiots." He got up in disgust and left the room, passing by Rosalina on the way out. The Lumas moved past her into the room carrying a battered Wario, Meta Knight, and King Dedede as she looked back at Dark Pit for a brief second. She looked back into the dining hall. She gasped as she saw the four fallen Smashers on the floor.

"Oh dear…" she said, "I do hope the health ward isn't busy… Now where is it again?"

* * *

**A/N: I do hope you have all enjoyed this humor-filled two-shot that I just randomly decided to write. Note that I do not own any of the characters presented in this story, nor the idea of a Smash Manor. Please also note that everything in this story is meant to be taken as a joke and I expect it to have been taken that way. That all said, thanks for reading and please leave a review so that if I decide to write another something like this, I have some feedback to go off of!**


	3. Recon Done Wrong

Ganon stormed up to Link, who was sitting on a couch in the lobby reading the latest edition of the Smasher Times.

"Hey! Fairy boy! Lend me a hand will ya!?" he yelled at the green clad elf teen. Link looked up from the paper with a timid look on his face.

"I just finished a team match with that one blond chick," said Ganondorf, "And she was absolutely useless. I need you to teach her a lesson for me." Link stared at him with no response.

"ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME!?" Ganon screamed. Link covered his head with the paper and braced himself for an enormous blast of dark magic, squealing like a little girl. Ganon withheld himself.

"Look, I've got a girlfriend," said Ganon in a more bargaining tone, "It would be weird for me to just suddenly go up to someone and—"

"Grennnn…" Ganondorf jumped ten feet in the air and hit his head on the ceiling, shocking everyone in the room, an assortment that included Zelda, Sheik, Sonic, Captain Falcon, who currently was suffering a broken arm, and Mario. Ganon lied on the floor, dazed from the blow to his head, and looked up to see the frog Pokémon, Greninja, standing over him. The second his vision cleared he jumped up and made an attempt to grab the Pokémon at the neck. Link jumped up and grabbed his shoulder. Ganon stopped and turned around to look Link in the eye.

"Please…" Link said softly, looking to the floor and removing his hand from Ganondorf's shoulder quickly, "He only means to say that you're disgusting…" Ganondorf stared at Link, dumbfounded. So did everyone else in the room. Zelda fainted on the spot. Sheik's mask almost fell off. Sonic had to escort Mario out of the room due to a dizzy spell. Captain Falcon just shook his head.

"You… talked…" said Ganondorf in shock. Link looked away in shame.

"Greninja, nin ja ja nin gren," Greninja said, shaking his head.

"Yeah I know I'm a failure at being a hero…" Link said miserably, "No need to remind me bud…"

"Bud?" Ganon asked in shock, "Wait a minute… where do you get off talking to a stupid frog Pokémon?" Greninja had Ganon in a headlock in less than a second.

"OW! OW! OH MAN THAT HURTS!" Ganon cried. Greninja pulled tighter, making him scream like an even bigger baby.

"Gren… ninja… nin nin ja gren… gren…" Greninja said threateningly.

"He dares you to say it again," Link said timidly, backing away from the scene. Greninja pulled tighter. Ganondorf's eyes were popping out of his head.

"Fine…" he said, suffocating, "You win… Just… let… me… go!" Greninja let go and Ganondorf collapsed onto the floor, gasping for air.

"That was… a bit much…" Link said softly.

"Nin ja," Greninja said, crossing his arms and shutting his eyes decisively.

"You're evil," Link said with a frown. Greninja implied a smile wickedly.

"Ja grenin," he said slyly. Link sighed.

Sheik walked over as Captain Falcon continued to watch from afar in some interest.

"You talked," she said to Link.

"Yes, I talked," said Link, demeanor suddenly changing entirely, "Is that really so hard to believe?" Sheik stared at him for two seconds and he immediately withdrew to his timid self.

"Sorry…" Link said quietly. Sheik shook her head.

"Ja nin gren," said Greninja. Sheik stared at the frog Pokémon.

"He says—" Greninja slapped a hand over Link's mouth and stood in between him and Sheik.

"I assume something derogatory?" Sheik said, crossing her arms. Greninja rolled his eyes. Ganondorf slowly got up from the floor.

"Seriously man, can you help me?" he asked Link. Greninja removed his hand and gestured to Ganondorf.

"Gren ja," said Greninja, "Nin gren ja ja nin gren."

"Why do I hang out with you?" Link mumbled, "Fine."

"Good," said Ganondorf, "I'll leave the entire plot of revenge up to you. Do me proud fairy boy! Or you know what." He made a fist and shoved it in Link's face. Greninja proceeded to put him in another headlock, spin him around, and kick him in the head, knocking him to the ground whining in pain. After a few seconds, Sheik applauded.

"Gren… Greninja!" Greninja yelled at Ganon, pointing to the hallway leading to the Smashers' rooms.

"He says to…" Link paused a second to think. Then he continued. "Never mind." Ganondorf got up and shot a glance back at Greninja. Greninja stuck its tongue out (don't ask) and then turned to Link again as Ganon disappeared into the hallway.

"Ja gren ninja ja nin grenja," Greninja said.

"Fair enough…" said Link.

"I assume your friend here has quite the potty mouth," said Sheik. Greninja glared at her.

"Greninja! Nin ja grenin… ja gren nin nin gren ja!" Link stared at him and, after a few seconds of consideration, shook his head 'no'. Sheik scoffed.

"Well then, care to explain why you can understand this creature?" Sheik asked impatiently. Greninja was mildly offended by the question.

"I speak Zora," Link said softly. Sheik stared at him blankly.

"And?" she said, gesturing to Greninja, "That connects how?"

"Grenin," said Greninja, "Gren gren greninja."

"His speech is very similar," Link said. Sheik looked between the two of them.

"That makes no sense," she said after a few moments.

"Well… it's better than your explanation…" Link said quietly, "You just say 'Don't question the ways—"

"DON'T." Link jumped with a scream. Sheik was behind him all of a sudden.

"Question the ways of the Sheikah," Sheik finished.

"Okay, you win!" Link squeaked. Sheik smiled. Greninja rolled his eyes.

"Good," she said, "I'm just satisfied that you're talking now."

"Ja nin grenja," said Greninja, "Greninja gren gren ja nin ja gren. Gren ja nin ja ja janinja."

"I know I talk your ear off when we're alone," said Link, "Get off my case. Being a silent protagonist is hard y'know? I need someplace to vent."

"Gren… greninja?" Greninja asked.

"You're the only one around here who understands me," said Link.

"Gren, ninja inja," Greninja said, holding his chest.

"Well I'm glad you feel special," Link muttered, "Now what am I doing again?"

"Ninja gren nin ja," said Greninja.

"Taking revenge on a blond chick for Ganondorf," said Link, "Great. There's like five of them here. How am I supposed to know—"

"Gren ninja…" Greninja said with a facepalm, "Nin gren ja nin!"

"But that wouldn't be fair!" Link cried, "I can't just go off and pick some random blond girl to exert Ganondorf's revenge on!"

"Gren nin nin ja," Greninja said matter-of-factly, "Ja gren ja nin ja nin gren ja ja. Grenin…" Greninja gestured to Sheik. Sheik immediately went on the defensive.

"Oh no," she said, "You lay a finger on me and you're dead."

"Gren?" Greninja deadpanned.

"What was that?" Sheik said, getting in the frog ninja's face.

"Gren, greninja gren," said Greninja. Link backed away slowly.

"What did he say!?" Sheik yelled at Link. Link squealed and curled up into a ball on the floor. Sheik gave a heavy sigh and turned back to Greninja.

"I swear, I'll turn you into the subject for a biology experiment if you touch one hair on this beautiful head," Sheik threatened. Greninja withheld a laugh. Sheik stormed away, grabbing Zelda off of the floor and dragging her by the wrist as she exited the room. Greninja helped Link off of the floor.

"Seriously though," said Link, "You're evil." Greninja laughed.

"Ninja gren," he said, slapping Link on the back. Link fell to the floor face first.

"Gren…" Greninja said awkwardly.

"Gee thanks…" Link muttered, muffled by the floor. Greninja helped him up again. Link dusted himself off.

"So who do I go after?" Link asked.

"Nin gren?" Greninja said.

"No, it would be bad for the Lumas," said Link.

"Gren ja?" Greninja said.

"No, she's not a natural blond," said Link. Greninja rolled his eyes and folded his arms again.

"Gren… nin ja gren?" he said.

"WHAT!?" Link cried, "NO! NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT! She carries a frying pan, a golf club, and a tennis racket on her at all times! I am NOT attacking her!" Greninja stared at him. Link looked away in shame at the outburst.

"Gren ja…" Greninja said, turning away.

"I am no fun," Link muttered, "Who else?"

"Ja nin grenja," Greninja said, "Gren ja nin." Captain Falcon walked over to them suddenly.

"Ahem," he said, pointing to the mailboxes by the door with his free hand. Link and Greninja both looked over and saw Zero Suit Samus getting her mail.

"Gren… greninja."

"I don't know… she's the only blond left but… hey wait a minute!" Zero Suit Samus looked over. After a few brief moments of awkward silence, she left the room.

"What?" Captain Falcon asked.

"The last time you had an idea, the Smasher World almost collapsed in on itself! It's all over the news!" He picked up the Smasher Times off of the floor and after flipping through a few pages detailing Ganondorf and Palutena's love life, Dr. Mario's sudden return to the Smash, the upcoming inauguration of the fourth Smash Games, and the mysterious lack of cookies in the Manor's pantry, Link found a page detailing the near-disaster brought upon Marth's identity and the entire Smasher Universe just days before.

"That… wasn't entirely my fault."

"Gren ninja," Greninja said accusingly.

"He's right," said Link, "Why should I listen to you?"

"Well Ganondorf is breathing at your neck so…" Link reeled back and punched Ganon in the face.

"OW!" Ganondorf yelled.

"Nin gren," Greninja said, "Ninja gren gren?"

"Dude, please stop," said Link, "I'm not translating that." Ganondorf stormed out of the room. Before he left, he made the 'I'm watching you' sign.

"I really hate him…" Link said under his breath.

"Greninja ninja gren," said Greninja.

"So I guess you don't have a choice," said Captain Falcon, "Better get going."

"Ninja gren ja nin?" Greninja asked before he could take a step.

"Huh?" Captain Falcon questioned.

"He wants to know what happened to your arm," said Link. Captain Falcon sighed.

"Dr. Mario," he said, "Gosh, I still need to file a malpractice suit against him…" He left the room mumbling to himself.

"So I guess I'll see you later then," Link said with a sigh, "I've gotta think of something… why do I deal with this?"

"Gren ja gren nin," said Greninja. Greninja put one of his webbed hands to his chin. "Nin grenja."

"I'm kind of scared of what you might do," said Link nervously. Greninja rubbed his hands together.

"Ninja gren greninja ninja gren nin jagren," said Greninja.

"Can I say it again?" Link asked, "You're evil."

"Jan? In gren ninja ja ninja," said Greninja with another implied wicked grin.

"Fine," said Link, "You and your 'ninja skills' can help me."

"Greninja gren," said Greninja.

"Yeah, I know you would've tagged along anyway. Now what are we doing?"

* * *

"Remind me again of how this is supposed to work?" Link asked fearfully as he and Greninja peeked around the corner.

"Gren ja nin ja ja," Greninja whispered.

"That's not an answer," Link whispered back.

"Gren…" Greninja's eyes followed Zero Suit Samus as she walked past the hallway they were staring out of. The frog Pokémon had dumped black paint all over himself and was thus now mostly back. Except for his tongue-scarf thingie, which became orange for some reason when introduced to black paint. Link wore an outfit he had stolen off of his evil doppelganger in one of his adventures. He shuddered in remembering the experience.

"Nin ja gren," said Greninja.

"I know it's not healthy for me…" Link whimpered, "But it was… it was terrifying! I couldn't breathe… I couldn't move… I almost drowned… and that was just because of the inch of water on the floor! Think of how I felt going through the rest of it!"

"Ja grenin ninja," Greninja said dismissively as he watched Zero Suit Samus disappear down the next hallway, "Nin gren greninja?"

"What!?" Link cried.

"Nin gren greninja?" Greninja asked again, "Greninja?"

"We're done talking about this," Link said coldly.

"Grenja," said Greninja, "Nin gren." He began toward the hallway that Zero Suit Samus had turned into. Link sighed heavily and followed him. They peeked around the corner. Zero Suit Samus was talking to Bowser.

"Ja gren greninja gren, grenja nin grenja," Greninja whispered.

"I'm seriously doubting your moral stability right now," said Link nervously. Greninja shushed him. Then, the frog ninja Pokémon began climbing the wall of the hallway and stuck himself to the ceiling. He inched his way along the ceiling until he was directly over Zero Suit Samus and Bowser. Then, Link felt his hat brush his shoulder. He jumped with a scream. Greninja fell off of the ceiling and landed on top of Zero Suit Samus. Bowser fell backwards onto his shell, barely withholding his fire and preventing an overly dramatic the-mansion-is-on-fire scene.

Zero Suit Samus pushed Greninja off of her.

"What in the world—"

"Gren gren greninja!" Greninja said defensively, jumping to his feet. He glared over at Link.

"Gren gren ja!? Ninja gren greninja!" Greninja yelled. Link cowered at the corner of the two hallways.

"I-I-I-I'm sorry!" Link cried in fear, "Don't hurt me please!" Greninja sighed and calmed down.

"Ja gren nin?" he asked himself, "Grenin ja gren?"

"Well…"

"Now hold on," Zero Suit Samus interjected, poking Greninja in the chest, "Where do you get off falling on top of me?"

"Grenja jagren nin gren," Greninja said with a stupid smile. Link face-palmed.

"What was that?" Zero Suit Samus asked in a sudden quiet rage.

"Grenja jagren nin gren," Greninja repeated. Zero Suit Samus pushed past Greninja and towered over Link.

"What's he saying?" she asked. Link just stared at her. She pulled her gun.

"Tell me!" Link covered his head. Greninja ran over in sudden panic and stepped in between them.

"Gren grenja!" Greninja said in an attempt to reason.

"Oh right, I should be shooting at you," said Zero Suit Samus, leveling her plasma charged weapon at the frog Pokémon's head.

"Grenja grenin grenja gren?" he said nervously, "Gren gren?" Link covered his head even more, trying to disappear into the wall. She put her finger on the trigger.

"Gren!" Greninja squeaked.

"Char!" Zero Suit Samus turned from Greninja. Charizard was leaning against the wall of the hallway.

"What do you want?" she asked him, "I'm trying to shoot someone here!"

"Charizard char," Charizard said nonchalantly, "Zard char-izard." He put on a pair of sunglasses and blew a flame out of his mouth. Greninja face-palmed.

"Gren ja gren…" he muttered. Zero Suit Samus gave a sigh.

"Why must half of the people around here speak stupid nonsensical words that no one can understand?"

"He says you should stay cool," Link said softly, "Because coolness is the only way to go." Zero Suit Samus stared at him. Charizard huffed and flicked his wings.

"Zard char," he said, snapping his fingers and pointing two fingers at Link.

"Thanks…" Link muttered.

"Charizard char char zard izard char," Charizard said, straightening up, "Zard charizard zard charizard."

"But I can't even spend two seconds in the kitchen without—"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Zero Suit Samus interjected, "Since when can _you_ understand this… thing?"

"Zard char—"

"Will you shut up!?" Zero Suit Samus yelled. After a few moments of dead silence Link spoke up quietly.

"I… I speak Goron." Zero Suit Samus stared at him again.

"You _what_?"

"I'm sorry!" Link cried in cowering, "I won't do it again!" Greninja face-palmed again.

"Don't get comfortable buddy," said Zero Suit Samus, "You're next."

"Gren ja…" Greninja said, backing away. Charizard huffed again and crossed his legs.

"Char char—"

"I'm gonna rip your head off and mount it on my wall if you speak another word in the next five minutes," Zero Suit Samus said, pointing her gun at Charizard. Charizard's glasses fell off. Zero Suit Samus turned back to Link.

"Now, what does that mean?" she asked.

"I… I can understand him," said Link.

"I understand that. How?"

"His speech is—"

"Gren gren gren," Greninja muttered, "Ninja gren." He flinched as Zero Suit Samus targeted him with her gun again. Charizard held his breath. Zero Suit Samus turned back to Link, gun still pointed at Greninja.

"Go on," she said.

"H-his speech is similar to Goron," said Link.

"Well then what are they saying?" Zero Suit Samus. Link broke down crying out of nowhere.

"It's just not fair!" he whined, "I already get enough grief running around saving the world! Everyone expects so much of me already! Why can't people just leave me be!?" He fell on his side and began sucking his thumb, tears streaming from his eyes. Zero Suit Samus knelt down beside him and put a hand on his shoulder.

"I'm sorry," she said softly, "I didn't realize... Do you want to talk about it?" Link shook his head no.

"Alright," said Zero Suit Samus, "Well I'm in my office whenever you need me. If you need to talk to someone I'll help you out."

"Gren." She shot him with her plasma gun and he fell to the ground twitching. At that moment, Sheik walked by and observed the scene. Her face contorted.

"What the hell happened here?" she asked. Charizard covered his mouth with one hand. He looked down at his other wrist, shut his eyes, and mumbled something to the ceiling with closed eyes. Sheik walked up to Greninja, who was still twitching. She kicked him and he rolled over.

"Good work," she told Zero Suit Samus.

"Yeah," said Zero Suit Samus, "He was getting on my nerves. Did you know he speaks Goron?"

"Who?" Sheik asked.

"Link," said Zero Suit Samus. Sheik's head swiveled toward the sobbing Link on the ground. She pointed at him.

"Him," said Sheik in disbelief. Zero Suit Samus nodded.

"He speaks Goron," said Sheik.

"Yes," said Zero Suit Samus.

"Him, Goron?" Sheik said again.

"Yes," said Zero Suit Samus, "What is that anyway?" Sheik held her head.

"You've gotta be kidding me. You've gotta be kidding me. You've got to be kidding me. You have—"

"Char chariz—" Zero Suit Samus immediately shot him and he fell to the ground.

"What was that for?" Sheik asked.

"He was getting on my nerves too," said Zero Suit Samus.

"Oh okay," said Sheik, "Want to go with Peach and I for coffee?"

"Sure," said Zero Suit Samus. With that, they walked out of the hallway and toward the dining hall.

* * *

Ganondorf gasped as he turned a corner. Before him, four Smashers were sprawled out across the floor, including Link.

"Hey fairy boy!" Link shot up off of the ground and immediately fell backwards onto his butt.

"Oh… h-h-hi G-g-ganondorf," he stammered.

"Did you do what I asked of you?" Ganondorf asked.

"Uh… uh… uh… ummm…" Ganondorf looked at him suspiciously and crossed his arms.

"You didn't?" he asked.

"N-n-no!" Link cried, "I… I h-h-had it done a… a couple hours ago!" Ganondorf shook his head.

"I'm disappointed in you fairy boy," said Ganondorf, "I expect more from a hero of your stature. Which is why…"

"No…"

"I have to…"

"No, please don't! I'll do better, I promise. I'll… I'll—"

"What are you so afraid of?" Ganondorf asked. Link backed away.

"Aren't you going to kill me to death?" Link asked.

"Aren't you going to fight back?"

"N-n-no."

"Why not?"

"Because… because I'm not a hero!"

"Why?"

"Because I'm just not!"

"What, so you want me to kill you to death?"

"No!"

"That's the way it's sounding."

"Well…"

"Can someone _please_ help me?"

They both turned toward Bowser, who was still stuck on his shell. Ganondorf and Link stared at him for a few seconds. Ganondorf then gave an exasperated sigh.

"You're off the hook fairy boy," he said, "As soon as this guy gets back on his feet, he's gonna go get back at Peach for me himself. Help me out."

"_WHAT!?_" Bowser cried as Link fainted on the spot.

"I said—"

"I can't do that!" Bowser cried, "She'll kill me to death!"

"Why does everyone around here think they're going to get killed death?" Ganondorf said in annoyance, "You are a pro at this. How many times have you kidnapped her?"

"You… you don't understand!" Bowser cried.

"Of course I do," said Ganondorf, "You are the big evil guy. She is the damsel in distress. Two plus two equals four." He flipped Bowser onto his feet singlehandedly.

"Now go and exert my revenge on her!" Ganondorf exclaimed, slapping the Koopa on the back. Bowser fainted on the spot as well. Ganondorf face-palmed.

"You've gotta be kidding me…" he muttered, "Now who am I gonna get to do this for me?" He walked out of the hall in frustration, leaving the four Smashers out cold on the ground. Rosalina just so happened to be walking through, flanked by two Lumas on either side. She gasped.

"Not again… We're going to need help…"


	4. Seriously?

Rosalina sat down on the bench outside of the health ward and leaned back in exhaustion. A Luma cuddled on her lap.

"Thank you for your help," she said. The white haired man scratched the back of his head.

"It was no problem," he said, "Name's Robin by the way."

"Rosalina," she said, holding a hand out. He shook it.

"That's a very nice name," he said, "Are you new here?"

"Oh yes," she said, "And I'm having a lot of fun already. Although… people seemed to be knocked out in the hallways a lot around here. Is that normal?" Robin shrugged.

"I dunno," he said, "I'm new here too."

"Oh, really?" she said in surprise, "So you're as clueless as I am?"

"Yeah," said Robin. His face suddenly turned white.

"Oh no… she's gonna kill me…"

"Who?" Rosalina asked.

"Lucina," said Robin, "Oh man… I've done it this time…"

"Oh dear… I hope I haven't gotten you into any trouble…"

"No, no," said Robin, "You haven't done anything wrong. I just get distracted easily."

"What is she going to do?" Rosalina asked.

"Probably something from Shakespeare," said Robin, "She's actually pretty good. You should have seen her when she almost reenacted Juliet's death scene after I almost killed a friend of mine." Rosalina stared at him.

"She sounds… very nice," she said after a few moments.

"Yeah," said Robin, "You'll have to meet her some time. Just… don't let her catch you the wrong way. She's… out there."

"Oh," said Rosalina.

"Yeah," said Robin, "I've gotta go. I'll see you around!" Rosalina waved him off. She smiled.

"What a nice guy," she said to herself. She patted the Luma on the head and it squeaked in delight. At that moment, Luigi walked by, followed closely by R.O.B.

"Excuse me," he asked, "Have you seen my left shoe?" Rosalina stared down at his feet. Indeed, one was shoeless.

"No," she said honestly, "I'm sorry."

"It's fine…" Luigi mumbled, "Man, where is it?"

"_If you would like me to run a scan of the mansion, please say 'scan'." _Rosalina stared at R.O.B. in curiosity.

"Alright, scan," said Luigi with a sigh. R.O.B. spun itself seven-hundred and twenty degrees and then threw its hands in the air like it just didn't care. Then it did a few frontflips and bounced off the wall, effectively smashing into the wall on the opposite side and leaving an enormous hole. It then pulled itself out and landed on the floor. Rosalina just stared in amazement.

"That's incredible…" she said breathlessly.

"Hold on a second," said Luigi, "Give it some time. It needs a few moments to process all of the information."

"Oh okay," said Rosalina, "Is all of that jumping around really necessary?" Luigi shrugged.

"I've tried this fifteen times," said Luigi, "And it hasn't worked once. I'm pretty sure at least ten people have concussions and at least three walls won't hold up for another five seconds." As he finished speaking, there was a crash from around the corner and a few screams.

"Oh dear…" Rosalina said, "Shouldn't we be getting those people to the infirmary?"

"Nah, they're fine," said Luigi, "Come on, we're in a world where we're supposed to beat the tar out of each other for entertainment. Surely everyone'll hold up in the face of injuries." At that moment, Little Mac appeared from a nearby hallway, dragging himself across the floor. He had two black eyes and his skull seemed to be cracked.

"Can't… feel… my legs…" he moaned, collapsing on the floor.

"Oh dear!" Rosalina cried. She and the Luma immediately stood up to help him. However, R.O.B. spoke up again before she could reach him.

"_Scan complete,_" said R.O.B., "_There is no data pertaining to your shoe Master Luigi._"

"I'm aware of that…" Luigi sighed.

"I can help you—"

"It's fine," said Luigi, cutting her off, "It'll be around here somewhere."

"_If you would like me to run a scan of the mansion, please say—_"

"I know, I know," said Luigi, "I say scan—"

R.O.B. spun itself seven-hundred and twenty degrees and then threw its hands in the air like it just didn't care. Then it did a few frontflips and bounced off the wall, effectively smashing into the wall on the opposite side and flying straight through the hole in the wall and crashing through another wall. There was a scream. Luigi face-palmed as R.O.B. crawled back through the wall, jumped down on top of Little Mac (which induced a cry of pain), and rolled up to Luigi.

"_There is no data pertaining to your shoe Master Luigi._"

"Aiaiai…" Luigi sighed.

"He does this _every_ time you say 'scan'—"

R.O.B. spun itself seven-hundred and twenty degrees and then threw its hands in the air like it just didn't care. Then it did a few frontflips and bounced off the wall, flying straight through the wall and into the next room, where there was another scream. R.O.B. crashed through the wall in the next room as well. There were more screams. Five minutes later, R.O.B. jumped out of the hole again, landed on Little Mac (who fainted upon impact), and rolled up to Luigi.

"_There is no data pertaining to your shoe Master Luigi._" Luigi face-palmed.

"I'm never gonna find it…" he mumbled.

"You'll find it," said Rosalina, "The Lumas and I will help you." She waved her wand and five Lumas came shooting from the hallways. Luigi was knocked over by a blow to the head.

"Ow!"

"Sorry!" Rosalina cried, "Please apologize little one." The Luma made an adorable sound and cuddled Luigi, who sat up, crossed his legs, and rolled his eyes.

"Where do we start?" Rosalina asked.

"No clue," Luigi grumbled, "I've searched every nook and cranny of this place."

"_Would you like me to—_"

"No!" Luigi cried sharply.

"_What about—_"

"No! Please! You've done enough!" Luigi exclaimed firmly.

"Be gentle with it!" said Rosalina, rushing up to R.O.B. The Lumas followed her. She patted R.O.B. on the head.

"It's important to always treat such things with care," Rosalina said, "Otherwise they may not cooperate."

"It's a robot," Luigi deadpanned.

"It's alright," said Rosalina, rubbing the side of R.O.B.'s head, "You can help us find his shoe too. Just… don't go all berserk when we say scan—"

R.O.B. spun itself seven-hundred and twenty degrees and then threw its hands in the air like it just didn't care. Then it did a few frontflips and bounced off the wall, flying straight through the hole in the wall and into the next room, where there was yet another scream and a crash. Two minutes later, R.O.B. jumped out of the hole in the wall again.

"_There is no data pertaining to your shoe Master Luigi._" As Luigi walked off in frustration, followed closely by Rosalina and R.O.B., Little Mac moaned from the floor, "Someone help me…" before blacking out completely.

* * *

Robin peeked into the kitchen cautiously. He breathed in deeply and held it. Lucina was kneeling by the oven, gazing into it intently. He took a step into the kitchen very slowly and then Lucina's head turned. He froze.

"Robin…" she said, her eyes serious.

"Uh… hi?"

"You know it don't you?" she asked, "The pain that has been caused unto me?"

"Uh… no," Robin said slowly. Lucina drew her sword and pointed it at him. Robin flinched.

"You don't understand?" she asked, almost desperately, "All of the wrong in the world has been wrought upon me. The lion's maw has opened up, swallowing my very soul. The poor tree has fallen in the woods… and I have heard it. It is a treacherous thing Robin. So treacherous. You understand now?" Robin stared at the Falchion pointed at his nose.

"Is… the sword really necessary?" he asked meekly. Lucina withdrew the Falchion and her face showed regret.

"I apologize for my assumption Robin," she said, "It appears that it is only I who can feel this suffering."

"Lucina, what are you talking about?" Robin asked. Lucina stared directly into his eyes. She walked up to him and held his chin. He pursed his lips nervously.

"You are willing to let the suffering anguish that I experience fall on your ears?" she asked. Robin nodded slowly as Lucina removed her hand.

"Then it shall be," she said, shutting her eyes, "The darkness that plagues me, that burns me to my very core… it is this: someone has made off with my brownies." Robin fell on his face and straight through the floor. Lucina hurriedly got on her knees and looked into the hole.

"Robin!" she cried, "Are you hurt!? Must I go get a medic!?"

"No, no," Robin replied quickly, "I'm fine! I can get out!"

"I will assist you," Lucina said firmly, throwing her hand down. Robin grabbed it. She pulled him out.

"There," said Lucina, "Now stand and walk so that I may be sure that you are alright."

"Okay..." said Robin as he stood and began to walk, "What did you need me for anyway?"

"One does well with a partner," said Lucina, "When baking brownies this is no exception."

"And?"

"I was in need of help in finding the butter," Lucina replied, "Thankfully, I found a substitute and was able to proceed. However, when my back was turned, just as the delicious scent was wafting to my nose, a whoosh! And then the darkness settled in as I realized… my brownies… were gone…" A tear came to her eye.

"Well… there's no point dwelling on it right?" said Robin. Lucina suddenly invaded his personal space.

"You still don't understand Robin!" Lucina cried, tears streaming, "The terrible fog of evil has shrouded your mind! You are unable to see the anguish that I am forced to endure. When a dungeon master loses his prisoner, does he forfeit his honor and let that prisoner go? When the dragon's prey is stolen by another will it not go after the thief? This is a crime Robin! A crime that mustn't go unpunished! Join me and we will find this thief of brownies!" Robin backed away slowly.

"Robin…" Lucina sobbed, "Will you join me?" R.O.B. suddenly crashed through the wall. Lucina immediately drew the Falchion.

"Die vile beast!" she screamed, "You will not torment me in my grief any further!"

"Lucina, calm down!" Robin cried. The Falchion bounced off of R.O.B.'s head. Lucina stared in shock as the robot simply rolled back to the hole in the wall and jumped through.

"This is what I mean Robin!" Lucina yelled suddenly, "Charge with me! Hiyaaah!" She jumped through the hole, eliciting a scream from the other side of the wall.

"Naga save my soul…" Robin muttered with a facepalm. Something tugged at his robe. He looked down. It was a certain small electric mouse.

"Oh, hello Pikachu," said Robin, kneeling down to the electric mouse, "What do you need?" Pikachu pulled on his robe and pointed to the door of the kitchen.

"Pika pi!" he cried.

"Oh," said Robin, "You want me to follow you?" Pikachu nodded.

"Well…" He looked at the hole in the wall. He made quick decision.

"Okay," said Robin, "Where to?"

* * *

"_There is no data pertaining to your shoe Master Luigi._"

"You will not face the light of day ever again!" Lucina yelled, repeatedly slashing at R.O.B. to no avail, "Never!" Rosalina stared in shock. Luigi continuously looked for an opening to push Lucina away without getting his head chopped off.

"Can you please help me?" Luigi asked Rosalina in annoyance.

"What is wrong with this poor woman!?" Rosalina asked in panic. R.O.B. looked Lucina up and down.

"_Human female_," it said robotically, "_Age in the range of 21-23. Excellent at swordplay. Name: Lucina. There appears to be no trouble at all._"

"You taunt me so!" Lucina yelled furiously, "There will be no mercy for you at the gates of hell!"

"Calm down!" Luigi cried, "It's just a robot!"

"Yes, be gentle with it!" Rosalina cried, "Please!"

"None of you!" Lucina cried backing away, sword at the ready, "None of you understand my suffering! The inability of my soul to find peace… it is terrible. My soul will only find such peace when vengeance is fulfilled. When the richness of rich brownies crosses my lips! Now stand down!" Luigi fell back against the wall.

"I just want my shoe back…" he moaned. Rosalina held her wand to her chest in distress as Lucina prepared to charge again. A blast of energy was shot from her wand as Lucina made the charge. Lucina was thrown headfirst into the ceiling.

"Oh my goodness!" Rosalina cried, "Lumas!" The Lumas pulled Lucina down out of the ceiling and lied her down on the floor. Rosalina rushed over and felt for a pulse. Luigi walked over as well.

"Great," he said after a few moments, "You killed her." Rosalina began sobbing. Luigi put a hand on his forehead.

"Why me?" Luigi asked the hole in the ceiling.

"_My sensors are picking up signs of life_," said R.O.B. Lucina began stirring. Rosalina caught her in a death hug out of nowhere.

"Oh thank goodness!" she cried, "I thought I'd killed you!" Lucina shook her head and pushed Rosalina away.

"What has happened?" she asked.

"You don't remember?" Rosalina asked in surprise.

"Oh… I do," said Lucina, looking intently at Rosalina's face, "I must thank you. You have brought me to my senses. Now… the brownie thief."

"The what?" said Luigi.

"That's right," said Lucina, standing and closing her eyes dramatically, "None of you have the capacity to understand my plight. I must explain it. You know when—"

"Please," Luigi begged, "Just stop. Spare our ears." Lucina stared at him.

"You do not wish to hear of my terrible fate?"

"No," said Luigi.

"I would like to hear of it," said Rosalina, "Won't you please explain?"

"Of course," said Lucina, "You may leave if you do not wish to hear."

"And I sure will," said Luigi, who walked off, followed by R.O.B. Before he got too far, a pleasant elevator ding came over the loudspeaker. Mario's voice followed.

"Attention all Smashers," said a very stressed-sounding Mario, "Due to 'unexpected advances' in plans, the inauguration of the fourth Smash Brothers games has been moved to… three hours from now. Please meet in the lobby then." There was a brief pause. Then Mario's desperate voice came on again. "And please don't do anything stupid. Please." There were a few brief moments of silence.

"Very well," said Lucina after the few moments at passed, "I shall see you all in the lobby. After I catch the brownie thief of course. They will rue the day that they sided with the enemy of justice." With that she walked off. Luigi huffed and walked in the opposite direction, followed by R.O.B., leaving Rosalina alone again.

"Oh dear…" she sighed, leaning back against the wall, "I'm so glad that's over…" The Lumas gathered around her. Rosalina suddenly had a thought.

"That was Lucina… and Robin said that he needed to see her… where is he?" After a few moments of pondering, she put the thought aside and walked away down the hallway.


	5. The Inauguration

"A reminder that the inauguration of the fourth Smash Brothers Games will begin in one hour," Mario spoke into the intercom. He let the button go and leaned back into his chair. A million things raced through his head, none of which he wished to think about at the current moment. However, being the Prime Minister of Smash gave him duties to fulfill. Zero Suit Samus walked into the office holding a cup of coffee.

"I've taken care of the paperwork for the fireworks show and the indoor trampoline set," said Zero Suit Samus, "They should be here within five minutes. Do you need anything else?"

"Yes," Mario said in exhaustion, "A cup of coffee would be nice."

"Of course," said Zero Suit Samus, "I'll get right on it." She turned to leave.

"You know, why aren't you my secretary?" Mario asked.

"I… am your secretary," said Zero Suit Samus. Mario turned around and squinted.

"Oh…" he said, "Right… I had… forgotten."

"You sound exhausted and overworked," said Zero Suit Samus, "Do you need me to take over for a little while?"

"No," said Mario, "I'll be fine. Just get me the coffee. And a bagel. And some spaghetti would be nice…"

"Of course," said Zero Suit Samus, "Anything else?" Mario thought for a moment.

"Get one of those soda machines with all of the sodas in it," he said, "Peach has been pestering me to get one."

"Right away." She left the room just as Donkey Kong was entering holding a clipboard.

"Sir, we seem to be three million dollars in debt at the present time," he said in a deep businessman voice, "Our records show a steady decrease in sales from our last Smash Brothers in the last few years and a sharp drop in the last couple of months. I've done some math and it seems that if this new game does well, we could make back all of that money as well as have extra money to pay for activities and new characters for the game." Mario stared at him.

"Uh… why are you telling me this?" Mario asked. Donkey Kong shrugged.

"I don't know," he said, "I'm just a gorilla. But in any case, if my projections are correct we could have four new members for the cast by the time this time next year rolls around."

"Wonderful," Mario said with a heavily sarcastic sigh, "Please leave me alone."

"Of course," he said, "I'll look forward to seeing you at the inauguration." He left the room. Mario began rubbing his face with his hands.

"What is life?" he said to himself woefully, "A cruel, cruel thing…" Zero Suit Samus walked into the room again holding a plate of spaghetti with a bagel on the side as well as a cup of coffee.

"No cream, three tablespoons of sugar," she said, setting the cup and plate down on Mario's desk, "And meatless sauce."

"Thank you," said Mario, rolling up to the desk.

"Do you want me to come by your room later?" Zero Suit Samus asked, "To talk? Maybe… relieve some stress?" Mario stared at her for a few long moments.

"Yeah," he said, almost smiling, "That'd be nice." She smiled back and left. Mario gave a less exasperated sigh and began eating, taking his mind off of the deteriorating sense of order and all of the troubles that existed within the manor. He began to doze off and leaned back into his chair again. Then Ness burst into the office, skidding to a halt.

"PK Fire!" he screamed, shooting fire from his hands. The doorway was set on fire.

"What the heck are you doing!?" Mario yelled.

"Got no time to talk!" he yelled back frantically, "Gotta run! PK Flash!" A green light shot from above him toward the doorway and blew up. The wall was knocked in. Ness ran past the broken wall just as Toon Link was skidding into the room.

"Ha ha!" he yelled, "Keep running loser!" He pulled a bomb and ran after Ness. An explosion rang from down the hallway and another wall collapsed somewhere as Mario stared at his own busted wall. Peach walked up a few moments later holding a clipboard. She wore a white lab coat over her standard pink dress.

"Hmph… no signs of tiring… maybe adding plutonium to the recipe would help…"

"Do you see this?" Mario asked gesturing to the enormous hole in the wall and the burning doorframe. Peach looked up.

"Oh hello Prime Minister," she said, "I mean, Mario. Yes. I do see this. This is the result of a magnificent string of experimentations dealing on the subject of childlike energy within residents of the manor. It's really quite interesting."

"You did this?" Mario asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Oh no," said Peach, "I'm merely studying ways to calm them down." Mario relaxed.

"Oh good," he said with a sigh of relief, "Good to know that someone has my back on that."

"Yes," said Peach, "Have you gotten ahold of that soda machine yet? The different levels of carbon and fructose mixed in the sodas would help me out quite a bit."

"Zero's working on it," said Mario, "We might have to put it out for public use."

"That's fine," said Peach, "As long as we've got one." She turned to leave but then paused for a moment. She turned back.

"Do you think I should add plutonium to the recipe?" she asked.

"You mean an extremely radioactive chemical that could potentially kill someone if they were to consume it?" Mario asked. Peach nodded.

"Yes," he said, "And I'll give you a hit list."

"Great!" Peach exclaimed, almost skipping off.

"Thank goodness for blonde mad scientists…" Mario sighed. Donkey Kong walked in again.

"I won't even ask," he said, briefly glancing at the busted wall.

"What?" Mario asked in annoyance.

"I'm here to tell you that the costs for the inauguration may put us out of our budget range for the month," said DK, looking at his clipboard, "My calculations show that 50% of the budget is being used simply for getting party blowers and confetti—4 tons of it in fact—and the rest is being used for the sound system. We seem to be going over in the 'paying the actors' department and literally everything else. Therefore, we won't have any money for the rest of the month. Now, I've done some work and it seems that if we rent out the B-wing of the manor to tourists, we may gain some additional revenue. That or we could go with the developers' ideas and start making little toy figurines of ourselves to sell in stores for $13 dollars a pop."

Mario stared at him blankly.

"Can I see your calculations?" he asked.

"Of course," said DK, handing the clipboard to Mario. Mario stared even more blankly at the piece of paper.

"How long did it take you to do this?" Mario asked meekly.

"Five minutes," said DK. Mario handed back the clipboard swiftly and started muttering under his breath.

"Prime Minister, are you alright?" DK asked.

"I'm… I'm fine," said Mario, "Thank you."

"You are very welcome," said DK, "I will see you at the inauguration." He left through the busted wall. Mario slumped in his chair.

"Where do I turn in my human card?" he mused in defeat. Zero Suit Samus walked in again.

"The stuff is here sir," she said, "Where would you like the people to put it?"

"I don't really care," said Mario, "You decide."

"Alright," said Zero Suit Samus, "The dining hall it is. And may I remind you? The inauguration is in forty-five minutes now. Are you ready?" Mario stared at her for a few moments.

"Prime Minister?" she asked in concern. He sighed.

"No," he said getting out of his chair, "Let's do this."

* * *

"Greetings all fighters and welcome to the inauguration of the 4th Super Smash Brothers games!" Mario said in the most announcer-like voice he could muster, "This has been a very successful franchise in the past and we hope to keep it that way! With your help! Is everyone with me!?" There were cheers and screams from the audience of fighters in the bleachers. The male Villager somehow managed to make an entire tree grow in the seat next to him in his excitement, throwing Marth into the roof. Mario and everyone in the room cringed briefly.

"Good!" he exclaimed nervously, "Let's go ahead and invite up our twelve veterans! Me!" Cheers rose from the audience. Mario smiled the best that he could, muttering "I hate all of you" under his breath.

"Link!" Mario called. The green-clad swordsman gave a small wave and a weak smile as he climbed meekly onto the stage. Ganondorf gave a mean glare and Link flinched. Palutena swatted Ganondorf's arm and he stopped. Link finished his stride meekly.

"Pikachu!" Nothing happened. Mario looked around nervously.

"Pikachu!" he called again. Nothing happened again.

"Pikachu! Pikachu?" Mario said, almost pleadingly. There were murmurs from the audience. Toon Link took this time to eye Ness intently from the top row, a hand behind his back. Ness made sure to check over his shoulder to make sure the other child didn't try to pull anything funny. Peach wrote observations down on a clipboard. The male Villager began stroking the tree in the seat next to him.

"Is… everyone here?" Mario asked after a few moments.

"Sorry I'm late!" Robin cried, running into the conference hall and beginning to step over people, "Sorry! Sorry!" Pikachu followed him in hot pursuit. There were brownie crumbs on Pikachu's mouth. Lucina raised an eyebrow but remained calm. Robin squeezed in next to Lucina, who just so happened to be next to Rosalina. She smiled at him and she smiled back. Pikachu jumped on Robin's head.

"Pikachu!" Mario called, "You're a veteran! Come on up." Pikachu cocked his head and then jumped off of Robin's head and onto Captain Falcon's head before jumping and using Quick Attack to get onto the stage. The crowd cheered. Greninja, slowly recovering from complete paralysis, gave a mere roll of the eyes and a huff, all he could muster with his still numb body.

"Kirby!" Mario called, moving forward with the ceremony. Kirby wiggled his way through Ganondorf and Palutena and jumped on Pit's head, knocking the angel out of his seat somehow and floating over to the stage.

"Can we please not jump on people's heads when we come on stage everyone?" Mario asked, "Thank you. DK!" Donkey Kong walked on stage with a wave, still holding his clipboard. Mario scooted over away from the giant gorilla nervously.

"Uh… let's see… Samus!" The suited bounty hunter stood up timidly and silently and slowly walked onto the stage, giving a small wave. Mario nodded.

"Yoshi!" There was no response.

"Yoshi?" Mario asked, "Where is Yoshi?" There was a loud snore from the back row. Everyone turned around and there the green dinosaur was, fast asleep.

"Yoshi!" Mario yelled, "You're up!" The dinosaur kept snoring. Mario face-palmed.

"Moving along…" he said, gripping the mic tighter, "Fox!"

"WOO-HOO!" was the answer as a Landmaster tank smashed into the lobby and crushed half the stage, causing the entire audience to shift over to the left in terror except for the male Villager who kept smiling and stroking his tree.

Fox jumped out of the Landmaster and jumped on stage.

"Yeah!" he screamed, "That was the greatest entrance in the history of ev-arrr! Come on guys! Let's put our hands together here! YEAAAAAAHHHH! SMASH BROOOOOOOOSSS!" Mario stuck his hand in his face while DK began doing damage calculations. There was overall a lot of silence besides DK's pen moving. The male villager continued stroking his tree with a smile.

"What? Nothing?" Fox inquired, "You guys are boring."

"I take offense to this!" Lucina cried suddenly, jumping out of her seat, "You, fiend, have severely interrupted these events in the most rude fashion! I will not tolerate such insolence while I still live! All who deserve punishment shall receive it!" She began to charge but Robin held her down and she fell right on top of Shulk.

"Hey!" the sandy-haired young man yelled in the most southern accent any of them had ever heard, "What in tarnation was that for!?"

"I apologize," Lucina said, staring up at him upside-down, "It seems that my friend is bent on preventing my uncalled for rage on the filthy, wretched creature on the stage down there. But I know better!"

"What was that!?" Fox yelled, preparing to jump into the audience and start a fight. Lucina began to loosen herself from Robin's grasp while he desperately began to hold on. Rosalina began helping.

"Robin, release me!" Lucina yelled.

"STOP!" Mario screamed. The entire congregation turned to him. He was practically smoking.

"This is an inauguration ceremony!" he yelled, "Not a fight club!"

"It actually kind of _is_ a fight club," DK interjected.

"Not in here it's not!" Mario yelled, "Now everyone sit down and STOP INTERRUPTING ME!" There was silence as everyone moved back to their seats. The male villager kept on stroking his tree. Mario waited a few seconds, eyeing the Landmaster's cannon nervously.

"Good," he said with instability, "Ness." The boy in the red hat walked on stage, cautiously watching Toon Link, who was still shooting daggers at him. Peach took more notes on her clipboard.

"Captain Falcon." The Captain, no longer with a sling, climbed on stage and smiled at the audience which gave some weak clapping.

"Luigi," Luigi walked up, still missing a shoe and followed closely by R.O.B. He turned around and pointed off the stage crossly. R.O.B. jumped off. Luigi took his place with a slump and folded arms.

"And Jigglypuff," said Mario. Jigglypuff jumped up and floated down to the stage. She twirled as she landed and pulled out a microphone.

"NO!" Mario screamed. Jigglypuff turned around with a frown and big sad eyes. Literally everyone collapsed into an incredibly loud, "Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww". Except for Mario. Mario stared with a straight face.

"No," said Mario, "We didn't pay for a live concert." Jigglypuff began crying. Everyone booed.

"Shut up," Mario said loudly. Miraculously, everyone shut up. The villager continued stroking his tree.

"Now," said Mario, "Since 1999, we've been providing entertainment and competitive fury to people all over the world. And now you have all joined us. You have been selected out of hundreds… no, thousands of video game characters out there to participate in this event. We have representatives from many, many different games. Together we form the cast of Super Smash Brothers 4! … Wii U and 3DS." There were dissatisfied mumbles from the crowd.

"Wasn't my idea," said Mario with a shrug, "Anyways, we expect fair play on the field and for our cast members to have a lot of fun fighting and killing each other to death." Fox pumped his fist silently. Then the Landmaster cannon went off and put a hole in the roof, just barely missing Marth. The room was silent as everyone stared at Fox. Fox's eyes darted around nervously.

"Oh," he said, "Uh… I don't know what just happened? Maybe? Please?" He gave up and the room went silent for a moment before Mario spoke again.

"And with _that_, I would like to turn the mic over to our director, Master Hand," said Mario crossly, "Please give him your full attention." A voice came over the loudspeaker.

"Hahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahhahahaha," it laughed. Everyone's faces were confused.

"Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!"

"Master… Hand?" Mario asked, "Are you alright?"

"Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha." Everyone began whispering among themselves. Greninja, having regained control of his arm, made some gestures to Link. Link made some furious gestures back. Greninja continued making stupid-looking gestures. Sheik watched him in annoyance from the top row. Finally, Link gave in.

"I speak Hand," he said out loud. Everyone turned to him and he immediately curled up in the fetal position. Sheik face-planted. The villager kept stroking his tree.

"I'm sorry!" Link squeaked.

"Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha," said the voice on the loudspeaker.

"What's he saying Link?" Mario asked.

"He says congratulations for making it, all of you," Link translated in a shaky voice, "I look forward to watching as you guys move forward with the game. You are all awesome."

"Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!"

"… And I officially inaugurate the fourth Smash Brothers games." There were a few moments of silence and small 'woot' from Fox that earned him a glare from Falco.

"Hahaha," said Master Hand.

"You're welcome," Link replied. The loudspeaker cut off. There were a few more moments of silence. DK's pen started back up again on the damage calculations. The villager kept stroking the tree.

"Well… I guess that's it," said Mario, "Let's eat!" Everyone suddenly stormed out of the room, dragging along Yoshi and those still suffering from Zero Suit Samus's gun and leaving Mario in the dust. Luigi, with his one shoe, hopped along behind them, followed closely by R.O.B. Mario sighed and began to follow. Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. Mario turned around and gazed suspiciously. Then he went over to the door and reached for the handle. Unfortunately, the person who had designed the Manor had failed to think of fire safety and the doors opened inwards on their own and knocked Mario into Marth, who was still hanging from the ceiling, somehow not dead. They both toppled to the floor in a pile.

Mario sat up and looked at the door. For a very intense few seconds, nothing happened. Then, Mewtwo flew through the door and charged straight at Mario.

"Oh my goodness, thank goodness I made it back!" he gasped in his telepathy as he stopped just short of Mario and Marth's little pile, "I didn't think I was going to make it but I'm here! I'm here and I'm ready to fight! Where's the sign-ups?" Mario stared at him in shock.

"What are you doing here?" Mario asked.

"I'm here to sign up," said Mewtwo, "Where are the sign-ups? Oh hey Marth, old buddy. How are you doing?" Marth moaned in pain.

"Oh good," said Mewtwo.

"Sign-ups ended months ago," said Mario, "Where on earth have you been? You disappeared after Melee and you completely missed Brawl! We had a spot ready for you and Roy both and neither of you showed up!"

"Wait what?" said Mewtwo.

"Mewtwo," said Mario slowly, "You disappeared and missed an entire game."

"No… no I didn't," said Mewtwo slowly, "I… I just heard about the new games today! I was coming to sign up! I couldn't have missed a game!"

"But you did," said Mario.

"No I didn't," said Mewtwo firmly, "I would never miss an entire game."

"Where were you anyway?" Mario asked.

"On a journey of self-discovery," Mewtwo replied, "Honing my psychic powers. Now where do I sign up? Even if I'm late there've got to be late sign-ups right?"

"A journey of self-discovery to where?" Mario asked. Mewtwo sighed.

"Why do you even care?" he asked, "Just tell me where to sign up."

"You're LATE!" said Mario, "You can't just walk in and sign up."

"Fine, I'll just ask someone else," said Mewtwo. He floated out of the lobby and toward the dining hall. Mario face-palmed.

"He's in for a rude awakening…" Mario mumbled. Marth sat up.

"What did I miss?" he asked, holding his head.

"Don't even worry about it," said Mario, "It won't do you any good. Let's go eat."

"Okay," said Marth as Mario helped him up. They walked toward the dining hall. The villager, of course, was still stroking his tree with a smile.


	6. Lucina's Butt-Kicking of Awesomeness

"No seriously, you missed a whole game." Mewtwo threw Ike into the floor.

"You are useless to me!" Mewtwo yelled. He flew over to the next person, who happened to be Luigi.

"Where do I sign up!?" he yelled. Luigi stared at him. R.O.B. stared at him too.

"Well?" Mewtwo said, ever so slightly annoyed.

"Okay, so I lost my shoe—" Mewtwo threw him into the table, effectively knocking him out. He turned to R.O.B.

"Do you know where I sign up?" he asked in a terribly forced down angry tone. R.O.B. kept staring for a few seconds.

"Dear Arceus, did everyone get dumber in the time I was gone!?" Mewtwo yelled, "What the heck has this place done to you people!?" The whole dining room went silent as everyone stared at Mewtwo. R.O.B. dinged like a microwave for no reason whatsoever.

"_I have no data pertaining to 'sign-ups_'," said R.O.B., "_I have these options for you: 1. Consult with your local NES retailer for information about this unit's model and update status. 2. Schedule an appointment with your Prime Minister. 3.—_"

Mewtwo blew R.O.B. across the dining room and into a wall.

"Who. Can. Tell. Me. Where. To. Sign. UP!?" Mewtwo yelled. Everyone went back to their conversations, ignoring the powerful genetically engineered enraged desperate psychic cat's question altogether.

Mewtwo let out an extremely exaggerated "AUUUUUUUUUUGGHHHHHHH!" He flew straight into PAC-Man's face.

"Tell me!" he screamed.

"Wakka wakka wakka wakka," said PAC-Man.

"What!?" Mewtwo yelled.

"Wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka," PAC-Man said with crossed arms. Mewtwo raised his hand to choke the life out of PAC-Man. Then Link charged over in panic.

"Wait, wait!" he cried, "I speak PAC-talk!" Sheik face-planted in the corner. Mewtwo turned to Link and lowered his hand.

"What's he saying then?" Mewtwo asked.

"He doesn't know," said Link timidly. Mewtwo slammed them both into the floor with a dissatisfied grunt. He charged over to the table at which Robin and Rosalina were sitting.

"Yes?" asked Robin.

"Where do I sign up dang it!?" Mewtwo asked in rage. Robin stared at him in confusion. Rosalina scooted away a little in fear.

"What are you… talking about?" Robin asked in confusion, "Were you not invited?"

"Invited!?" Mewtwo yelled, "Invited!? Of course I was invited! I am Mewtwo!"

"Uh…"

"Why YOU—" Mewtwo cut himself off to begin epically charging a massive energy blast. Robin's eyes went wide and Rosalina shrieked.

"Stand down peasant!"

Mewtwo turned around. Lucina's blade was extended at him.

"You INSOLENT fool!" Mewtwo yelled, "How DARE you interrupt me while I'm threatening my victims!?"

"I do dare!" Lucina cried, "For I am Lucina of Ylisse! Daughter of Chrom of Ylisse! You have brought my friends into unjustified submission! And for that you MUST be punished! En guard!"

"Very well," said Mewtwo, "Come at me!"

"Welcome one and all to the cage match of the century, Lucina vs. Mewtwo, 3 Stock, All. Or. Nothing!" Kirby announced into his microphone in an epic, deep announcer voice, "Who will win!? Who will lose!? Place your bets at #CageMatchofTheCentury! And follow Smash Bros on Twitter, Twitch, Facebook, and pretty much every other social media site on the Internet for more EPIC events like this one. And it looks like we're getting started. Count 'em down with me! 3! 2! 1! FIGHT!"

The crowd roared as Mewtwo charged at Lucina, fists charged with shadowy energy. Lucina suddenly disappeared.

"What the—" Mewtwo was cut off by a sword slamming into the back of his head. Lucina kicked him to the side. He got up and tried to strike her but she held her sword in a ridiculous pose. The second Mewtwo hit her, there was a flash of light and her arm automatically swung her sword at his face. He was knocked into the air with twice the power of his strike. It hurt.

Lucina took this opportunity to strike him with a flurry of sword blows. He flew into the air again. When he landed, Lucina was behind him, ready to throw him into the air again with another sword blow. It was so. Before he could land again, Lucina spiked him with an up-smash into the air. He was thrown into the magical blast zone and disappeared in an enormously violent blast of light. The crowd roared.

"And the first KO goes to Lucina!" Kirby announced, "Can Mewtwo come back!?" It didn't seem so. Mewtwo's second life went just as fast and in much the same way. It would be pretty boring to explain the entire second stock; it went exactly like the first. DK suddenly busted through the fourth wall.

"We're losing good ratings!" he cried, "We have to go through with it or we'll lose money!"

Oh, fine, if you insist.

The crowd roared as Mewtwo charged at Lucina, fists charged with shadowy energy. Lucina suddenly disappeared.

"What the—" Mewtwo was cut off by a sword slamming into the back of his head. Lucina kicked him to the side. He got up and tried to strike her but she held her sword in a ridiculous pose. The second Mewtwo hit her, there was a flash of light and her arm automatically swung her sword at his face. He was knocked into the air with twice the power of his strike. It hurt.

Lucina took this opportunity to strike him with a flurry of sword blows. He flew into the air again. When he landed, Lucina was behind him, ready to throw him into the air again with another sword blow. It was so. Before he could land again, Lucina spiked him with an up-smash into the air. He was thrown into the magical blast zone and disappeared in an enormously violent blast of light. The crowd roared.

See? I told you it would be boring.

"And the second KO goes to Lucina as well!" Kirby announced, "Things aren't looking good for Mewtwo, that's for sure! But he still has a chance to come back! Lucina is reaching her limit. She's practically smoking! Can he make that comeback!? We'll find out… after the break!" DK busted into the announcer's booth practically gasping for air.

"No! No!" DK cried, "The ad revenue isn't worth it! Our ratings are getting lower by the second!"

"O… kay!" Kirby announced as best as he could, "Never mind the break! Let's get back to the action!"

Mewtwo's willpower suddenly shot through the roof. He began moving faster. Faster than Lucina was moving around him. He managed to get around her and meteor her into the ground. Then he slammed her with a side smash. Before she could land, he hit her with a fully charged Shadow Ball. It threw her into the blast zone and she finally got to experience the violent red light blowing from the side of the screen for herself.

"An incredible display of power from Mewtwo!" Kirby announced, "He's still at a disadvantage, but he could still turn it around with this next stock!" Mewtwo slammed into Lucina the second her invincibility frames dropped. He tossed her around in the air with his aerial attacks for a few seconds. Then he meteored her into the ground again. She managed to get one hit in on him, throwing him into the air, but he came down on her with another meteor into the ground. He then finished her off by slamming her off of the stage by the left blast zone.

"Another amazing KO by Mewtwo!" Kirby announced, "He's really picking up speed. At this rate he'll take the match easily!" Lucina suddenly burst into the announcer's booth and kicked Kirby to the side.

"I swear it!" she screamed into the microphone, "There will be no mercy on those who defy my blade! Hear my words, all of you! Dare not make me your foe, for I will find you out, be you a brownie thief or some other criminal! I will not stand for anyone who will oppose me! There IS breath in my lungs and as long as there is, I WILL PREVAIL! HIYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

She broke through the glass of the announcer's booth and slammed into Mewtwo, who had been staring at the booth in shock. She caught him in a killer wrestling grip and then slammed him into the air. She let out a bloodcurdling scream.

"I CHALLENGE MY FATE!" She set herself on fire out of nowhere and jumped into the air above Mewtwo. She meteored him into the ground and then slammed him straight into a star KO. The crowd roared. Kirby climbed limply up to the microphone, suffering from the kick.

"And with that… we conclude this epic cagematch… of the century," Kirby said, dizzied from the impact, "Be sure to follow us on Twitter… and like us… ugh…" He keeled over unconscious.

In the meantime, DK held Lucina's arm up in victory. She responded by kicking him in the stomach and pointing the Falchion at him.

"Do not touch me," she said in threat. DK backed away very, very slowly.

"How… how could I lose?" Mewtwo gasped, "I am… I am…"

"Not welcome to threaten my friends," Lucina huffed, "Now leave my presence before I make the decision to put a sword through your stomach."

Mewtwo dragged himself away in defeat and began bumping into the edge of the cage over and over with no willpower to help him get out.

"Seriously though dude," said Robin, who had been sitting at the table inside the cage the whole time, "If you weren't invited, you're not in." Mewtwo looked up at him in shock.

"But… but the fans!" Mewtwo cried.

"Sorry," said Robin with a shrug, "I think that's how it is. I might have forgotten."

"No, you are correct Robin," said Lucina, "Only those who have received a proper invitation are permitted entrance into these games."

"Oh good," said Robin, "I'm not going crazy."

"There must be some way for him to join," said Rosalina, also having sat there in close proximity to the danger zone, "They can't just kick him to the curb right?"

"I dunno," said Robin, "I think we should be getting rid of this cage though…" The cage lifted itself out of the dining hall for no particular reason.

"Okay then," said Robin. DK ran up to Mewtwo and pulled him off of the ground.

"Mewtwo, your match with Lucina was a sight!" DK cried, "It drove our ratings through the roof! We want you back! Just sign here and we'll get you all set up!" He handed Mewtwo the clipboard with a paper on it, which Mewtwo just stared at for second before signing it limply.

"Excellent!" DK exclaimed, almost waltzing away.

"Wasn't he in the cage with us?" Robin asked, "Or is my memory going again?" Mewtwo stared at the ground, spirit still broken in spite of his sudden admittance. Charizard, still half paralyzed, limped over to him wearing a pair of sunglasses.

"Char charizard," he said, "Char char char zard charizard."

"I don't wanna join any clubs right now…" Mewtwo moaned.

"Zard char, charizard," said Charizard.

"Just leave me alone," said Mewtwo, "It's bad enough that I got beaten by a clone—" Lucina had a sword at his back within two seconds.

"Strong opponent?" Mewtwo squeaked. Lucina withdrew scornfully.

"Charizard char charizard," said Charizard. Mewtwo stared up at him for a few seconds.

"Just give me the glasses," he said finally. Charizard pulled a pair of sunglasses out from behind his back and handed them to Mewtwo. Mewtwo put them on.

"Hey… this is pretty cool…" he said coolly. He folded his arms and Charizard nodded.

"Char charizard," he said.

"Cool club… yeah… here it begins…" said Mewtwo, relaxed now, "Just takin' it easy. Cool…"

A white-haired woman in a black coat suddenly came walking up to him.

"Hi, my name is Robin and I'm, like, so excited to be here and… oh my gosh. You are THE Mewtwo! I am such a huge fan. I watched, like, all of your matches when you were in Melee. You were so the best fighter out there."

"Cool…" Mewtwo said in relaxation. The woman with white hair stared at him.

"What?" she said standoffishly.

"That's cool…" said Mewtwo.

"OM gosh," she said in disgust, "You so aren't THE Mewtwo. What a cheat. The real Mewtwo would, like, so totally ask to autograph my robes. This, like, isn't even funny."

"So cool…" said Mewtwo. The white-haired woman turned away in utter disgust.

"That's just like… ew," she said, "Like, why am I even talking to you?"

"It's all cool," said Mewtwo adjusting his shades. Robin walked away, completely disgusted. Lucina watched her walk by with suspicion before turning her attention back to Pikachu, who was sneaking out of the room with one of the many plates of cookies. Lucina quickly made haste and snuck out after the electric mouse.

In the meantime, Robin, very intentionally, sat down at the table at which her male counterpart and Rosalina were sitting at, having a casual conversation.

"So, I thought I met Mewtwo, but he was, like, a total fake," she started, interrupting their entire conversation, "He, like, didn't even ask to autograph my stuff and was, like, so totally rude. I was all like, 'Hi, my name is Robin and we should, like, totally hang out.' but he was all like, 'That's, like, cool.' I mean, can you believe that? Like, seriously, I'm like totally Mewtwo's number one fan and he's just like, 'Cool'. Can you believe that? I mean, I seriously, like, can't even right now. I can't even. Like—"

"I beg your pardon…" the other Robin interrupted, "But who are you?" The female Robin stared at her male counterpart.

"You so did not ask that question," she said in shock, "Like, seriously though." Robin stared at her blankly.

"Uh… yeah… I did ask that question," said Robin, "I really don't know who you are." The white-haired woman crossed her arms in disgust.

"You seriously don't know who I am?" she asked, "Like, seriously?"

"Yeah," said Robin, "I don't." She turned to Rosalina.

"Okay, do you know who I am?" she asked. Rosalina stared at her, still taken aback from the fact that she had completely busted in on their conversation.

"You don't," said Robin, "Wonderful. Just wonderful. Like, seriously, that is totally NOT wonderful. I can't even with this right now. Like, no one knows who I am. Like, seriously. You guys are, like, totally not being helpful."

"Well neither of us really knows who you are," said Robin, trying to reason, "If you'd just tell us your name—"

"My name is Robin," she said in offense, "OMG, you people are, like, so totally rude. Like, you don't even know who I am."

"I really don't see how that's rude…" said Rosalina reluctantly.

"Oh, it's totally rude," said Robin, "I'm sure everyone else in here, like, totally knows who I am. And you people are just, like, 'Uh… no.'" Robin and Rosalina exchanged glances as the Robin before them pulled aside DK as he walked by.

"See?" she said, "This guy, like, totally knows who I am."

"Uh… yeah," said DK, flipping a paper over on his clipboard, "Female Robin. Height 5' 11". Weight—"

"Okay, no," said Robin, pushing the giant ape away and then returning her attention to the other Smashers, "See what I mean? Not knowing who I am is, like, totally not right. Because everyone knows who I am."

"Right, well… I've got to be getting back to my room," said Robin, getting up from the table, "Oh, Rosalina. I have something for you there. We should… uh… we should go together."

"Oh… okay," said Rosalina, getting up from the table as well. They left together. Female Robin watched with a dumbfounded stare.

"OMG…" she gasped, "They did not just… they just did. Oh my gosh. I can't even believe this. They just, like, totally walked out on me. OMG. That's, like, not even nice. That's, like, totally rude. OMG. I… I just can't even… I can't even right now. I just… I just can't. I… I—"

She was interrupted by an extremely loud scream from the hallways that silenced the dining hall.

"AT LAST WE MEET FACE TO FACE THIEF! I HAVE FOUND YOU IN THE MOST SECRET OF PLACES! WHERE ONLY THE DEMONS AND DEVILS SUCH AS YOURSELF WOULD DARE TO TREAD! YOUR POWER PALES IN COMPARISON TO THE RAGE OF JUSTICE! I SWEAR TO THE GODS ABOVE, THE SWEETS WILL BE AVENGED! BY THE POWER OF NAGA YOU WILL BE TERMINATED! HIYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Something exploded and a wall was heard crumbling. Once again, the only sound was the moving of DK's pen. A few minutes later, Lucina walked back into the dining hall burnt from head to toe by electricity and holding Pikachu by the tail unconscious.

"Behold!" she called out to all of the Smashers, "For I have defeated the enemy that has plagued the pantry for weeks now, ravaging it for all of its sweets. The evidence stands heavy against this criminal, for I have uncovered the place at which he has hidden that which he has stolen. However, he has been purged of the evil that had consumed him thanks to my blade, and therefore I will no longer place judgment upon his head. But we must be careful, for who knows whom this evil will affect next." She turned directly toward female Robin.

"Perhaps you?"

"Uh, no," said female Robin matter-of-factly, "I am, like, so not a criminal. So don't even, like, try to blame me for anything. I totally haven't done anything wrong." Lucina stared at her.

"I shall be watching you," she said, turning away. Female Robin scoffed.

"Rude," she said. The dining hall went dead silent again as Lucina dropped Pikachu on the ground and walked out of the room. As soon as she turned the corner at the end of the hallway, the conversations started back up again, much quieter than before. Mewtwo and Charizard hadn't moved an inch during all of this. Villager kept on stroking his tree.


	7. Such Kids, Many Wow

Ness took a single step out of his room into the dark hallway and then immediately retreated. He peeked out a few seconds later and looked both ways down the hallway twice. Then he put on his red baseball cap and tiptoed out of his room, gently shutting the door behind him. He stared down the long hallway. It seemed to stretch for an eternity. Ness looked behind him for a few seconds before starting down the hallway, quickly but quietly. Occasionally he would glance behind him to make sure _he_ wasn't there. Ness certainly didn't feel like facing down a bomb crazy, green clad elf boy in the middle of the night while he was en route to get a drink of water.

He was making good progress. The only sounds from around him were the occasionally moan or grunt from behind closed doors. The end of the hallway was now only four doors away. Then a massive shriek came from behind the door he had stopped at.

"NO! NOOOOOOOOOOO! NOT THE DUCKIES! PLEASE NO! NO! WHY ME!? WHYYY!? DUCKIES!"

Ness froze in his tracks. He looked up and down the hallway in terror. After a few moments of silence, nothing happened. The lights stayed off. No one's door opened. The only sound now was whimpering coming from the door behind him. He shook off his shock and continued to the end of the hallway swiftly.

As he turned the corner, he put his hand on his bat, which magically fit in his pocket. He crept down to the next corner and turned. No one seemed to be around. He made sure to check his surroundings every five seconds. There was no knowing if a strike was coming or not.

Miraculously, he managed to reach the kitchen with no incidents whatsoever. No one was around in the hallways. No one seemed intent on sneaking up on him and blowing him to the moon. Ness breathed a sigh of relief as he walked into the kitchen and turned on the light.

"AHA!" Ness nearly had a heart attack as Lucina fell from the ceiling and landed in front of him. She put the tip of her sword at his nose.

"Your mission has failed already," she said victoriously, "My jurisdiction now includes all sweets in this place. No wretched creature will ever find its way into such a domain with myself in its way. None! You must leave now, or suffer the consequences."

"I… I just want some water," Ness squeaked.

"So you say," Lucina said, pulling her sword back and holding in front of her face, "But I know better. A bird flies to its nest to guard its eggs. It will not hold back from protecting them in the face of the rat or the weasel in search of a meal. It will not leave its charge in the face of a threat. It will not be fooled by the trickery of these other animals. So am I. A bird guarding her eggs."

Ness just stared blankly. Lucina sighed.

"You do not understand," she said.

"Can I just have some water?" Ness asked.

"What is water?" Lucina asked, sheathing her sword, "Liquid. Fluid. Like a dancer floating on air—"

"_Please?_" Ness pleaded. Lucina turned away with a shake of the head.

"One day young one," she said, "One day the secrets of the world will be revealed to you. Then, maybe you will understand the depths of my duty here. Sweets are not something to be taken so lightly."

Ness stared in confusion as she stood there, looking toward the ceiling in a thoughtful position. Then he quickly ran over to the sink and filled a cup up. He took his drink and then placed the cup back in the sink. Then he walked past Lucina, who hadn't moved, and out of the kitchen. The ground in front of him exploded immediately.

"Really!?" Ness cried.

"Found you Nessy!" Toon Link yelled at the top of his lungs. Ness ran for his life toward the hall. Toon Link followed right on his heels. Lucina didn't move for another five seconds. Then she looked at the entrance to the kitchen and saw that the ground was missing.

"Witchcraft…" she whispered under her breath, "Who would do such a thing?" She looked back into the kitchen and took a deep breath.

"I'll be back my liege," she said confidently. She ran off… and fell into the hole in the floor.

"This vile black hole cannot hold me!" she cried, climbing out of the hole and continuing toward the hallway, sword drawn.

Ness was forced to resort to fire after about ten seconds of running. The burning halls slowed Toon Link down slightly, but not enough for Ness to get a significant lead. Ness looked over his shoulder briefly and quickly jerked his head back to the hall ahead of him. The things he had learned at the Prometheus School of Running Away from Things weren't helping him. He saw a divergence in the hallway ahead of him. One path would lead him to a dead end. The other would lead him directly into the All Star room where he would be forced to fight clones of everyone in the manor until his last breath should he enter. He opted to choose neither option and PK Flashed the wall in front of him, blowing a hole in the outer wall of the Manor and escaping deftly. Toon Link, still in hot pursuit, followed him as he left the premises of the Manor. Within five seconds, both children were gone.

Lucina arrived at the hole in the wall five minutes later.

"They have escaped… the villains who have threatened my charge," she whispered under her breath, "They cannot be allowed to run free!" She readied her sword and prepared to charge after them.

"Very nice, very nice," said a voice from behind her. Lucina turned around with a look of surprise on her face. Peach stood behind her writing things on a clipboard.

"Approximately ten seconds slower than last time… Mario was right!" she exclaimed, "The plutonium is working wonders! And if I just mix it in with the soda I have acquired…" She squealed to herself. Lucina stared at her intently. Peach looked up.

"Oh, hello there," she said, "I apologize. I was simply running some late night tests."

"Tests you say?" Lucina asked, "Is that the source of the witchcraft that has violated the presence of my charge?"

"I wouldn't say it's witchcraft," said Peach, looking down at her clipboard, "Unless you consider the use of strange, unstable mixtures to study unsuspecting children witchcraft. Then… yes, I suppose I am conducting witchcraft."

"So you are…" said Lucina, a frown coming across her face.

"It's nothing too dangerous," said Peach nonchalantly, "The addition of carbon fiber and hydrogen to the mixtures I slip into their drinks negates most negative effects. The major ones anyway. I wouldn't be too surprised if one of them began having explosive diarrhea soon. I am still working on the reduction of violent activity however… tell me; do you suppose lead might take too much of a toll on their minds? Or should I go ahead and run the test tomorrow?" Lucina stared at her in confusion.

"I do not understand," she said after a few moments.

"Oh it's fine," said Peach, "I'll just ask Mario. He knows everything." She walked off talking to herself about lead poisoning and other fun things such as that. Lucina turned back to the hole in the wall.

"There is justice that must be served," she said, gripping the Falchion, "But on the head of whom?" She breathed in and out.

"The flesh wound finds its source on the inside," she said to herself, "However, when an army approaches a fortress, it is the outside that is the true task at hand before the interior is breached." She breathed again.

"But I know that I am but one soldier," she said, raising her blade before her, "And the wise man will not approach a multitude of whom he does not have acquaintance with at first. He will be stealthy. He will find his way inside and weaken them. Then is the time to strike." She turned back into the Manor.

"And so my mission is unveiled," she said, sheathing her sword and walking off into the dark hallway, flanked by applause and several standing ovations.

* * *

Marth walked out of his room in slightly better condition than he had walked in the day before. The concussion seemed to have been minor and nothing had been broken. He decided to head to the training room, which was where he spent most of his days in the Manor. He could escape from his troubles quite easily there. As he walked down the hallway leading to the training room, Luigi came tearing down it in the opposite direction screaming, followed closely by R.O.B.

"I FOUND MY SHOE! OH SWEET MOTHER OF TOADSTOOLS I FOUND MY SHOE!" he screamed. Marth's eyes followed him as he held his shoe high above his head. He and R.O.B. turned the corner and the screaming faded into the distance. Marth blinked and began walking again. He had a brief run-in with Lucina, who was mumbling to herself something along the lines of a "struggle against the heart". He paid her no mind. He arrived at the training room without any further incident.

He set himself up with the Sandbag quickly and began his combos. There was a natural flow of things between him and his sword. Sort of like a business contract. He swung and the sword responded by obeying physics. It was really quite simple.

His combo streak was suddenly interrupted by a voice coming from the corner of the room.

"Please be a little quieter," it said, "We are meditating on the woes of life and dispensing them in the trash can of strife."

"What?" Marth asked, looking over into the corner. A few people were sitting in meditative positions. These individuals included both Wii Fit Trainers, King Dedede, Lucario, and Mario himself.

"Uh… okay," said Marth, "Should I vacate?"

"Unless you wish to join us," said the male Wii Fit Trainer. Marth looked at the sandbag and then walked over to sit down with them.

"Good," said the male Wii Fit Trainer, "Now… relax your mind… feel all of the things rush through you… meditate on life… do it…"

"How is this helping me?" Marth asked, looking at King Dedede and Mario who were just sitting there with their eyes closed.

"It is helping you," said the female Wii Fit Trainer, eyes closed, "Just trust us."

"But how?" Marth asked.

"Shhhhh…" said the male Wii Fit Trainer, "Let your mind relax."

"You're freaking me out," said Marth, adjusting his position. Male Wii Fit Trainer put a hand on Marth's forehead.

"Feel the power…" said male Wii Fit Trainer, "Feel it!" Marth got up and left right there. Male Wii Fit Trainer opened his eyes and watched him go.

"Huh," he said, "Maybe I shouldn't be looking into psychic powers as part of my yoga training."

"I told you so," said female Wii Fit Trainer, "We must focus on the benefits of relaxation and fitness with our students before looking into the more powerful arts. In the meantime…" She pulled out some nice shades from the eternal void that exists behind everyone's backs.

"Here," she said, "I got these from Mewtwo. Perhaps they will help enhance your psychic abilities even further." Male Wii Fit trainer took the glasses.

"Oooo," he said, "Do you think I'll finally be able to get ahold of that vertical split wearing these?"

"Maybe," female Wii Fit Trainer mused, "I should go ask him for a pair for me when we're done here."

"You should," said male Wii Fit trainer, equipping the glasses, "Whoa…"

"Looks nice," said female Wii Fit trainer, "How do they feel?"

"Cool…" said male Wii Fit trainer.

"Nice," said female Wii Fit trainer.

"Yep… it's helping alright…" said male Wii Fit trainer, "Real, real cool."

"Well I'll be talking to Mewtwo after this then," said female Wii Fit trainer, returning her attention to Dedede and Mario, "Now, let relaxation simply flood your mind… stretch your arms… just relax…"

"And stay cool…" said male Wii Fit trainer.

"Yes, what he said," said female Wii Fit trainer.

* * *

**A/N: I would really like wholesome reviews for this story so I know how I'm doing with the writing. At this point, as far as I know, I have one reader, and that is Game777Guy, who reads these chapters before they go up. And he loves them. I do not hold stories hostage because that is dumb, but I would really appreciate a review so I know that there are more people than my best friend who thinks my humor is golden. Thank you in advance! :D**


	8. In Which the Dinosaur Becomes Salty

Yoshi's scream echoed throughout the manor, interrupting any and all activity. As the shock wore down in the dining hall and murmuring ensued, Dark Pit looked over at the person sitting at the table with him and said, "What the heck was that?"

That person, who happened to be King Dedede, simply shifted his sunglasses down a notch and said, "Cool." Dark Pit stared at him briefly before King Dedede walked off to another table to join a group of sunglasses-wearing smashers. It took all but two seconds for Dark Pit to roll his eyes in disgust.

"This place has cults," he muttered, "Wonderful." Still unsure as to what the massive scream was about, Dark Pit decided to look for someone who might actually give him a legitimate answer to his question. He began towards Ike, who was sitting in the corner of the room, but after noticing that the swordsman was curled up in the fetal position, he decided it would be best to not concern himself with whatever idiotic matters awaited him in that conversation.

He scanned the dining room one more time for someone whom he might be able to get some info out of before giving a scoff of disgust and walking into the hall… where he was immediately knocked to the floor by a speeding dinosaur. He lied there for a few seconds before coming back to his senses and sitting up. He looked down the hall and saw Yoshi blowing straight through a wall. In fact, it almost seemed as though he had _burned_ through the wall with pure rage.

Dark Pit stood up and crossed his arms in disgust.

"This place is messed up," he said for the hundred-thousandth time. He walked back into the dining room past DK, who was busy doing his damage calculations, deciding that his question really didn't need to be answered. It was probably a waste of his time anyway. He sat down at a table and pulled out some notes that he had taken on other fighters to begin studying. He didn't get far before Charizard slipped into the seat across from him. Before the Pokémon could raise a finger, Dark Pit intervened.

"I'm not interested in your stupid cult," said Dark Pit.

"Char," Charizard said, taken aback.

"I can't understand you," Dark Pit responded, not looking up from his papers. Charizard crossed his tiny little arms in thought. Then he walked over to Mewtwo.

"Char, charizard, zard," said Charizard.

"Really man?" said Mewtwo nonchalantly, "That's cool. Cool to the max. Let's do it." They both went back over to Dark Pit.

"I told you—"

"Yo, man, you wanna hear about this sick doctrine called coolness?" Mewtwo asked. There was dead silence for thirty seconds.

"No," said Dark Pit finally.

"It's real cool though," said Mewtwo persuasively, "Like, we all have found our inner coolness. It's like, totally cool."

"Char, charizard," said Charizard.

"And you get the perk of some super cool shades," said Mewtwo said, twitching his glasses, "Like these." He threw a pair into Dark Pit's lap. Dark Pit looked at the two Pokémon with suspicious looks briefly before reaching down and examining the glasses.

"They're so cool right?" Mewtwo exclaimed.

"They're cheap sunglasses," said Dark Pit, "So what? I could get these from a supermarket for six-hundred hearts."

"They're totally cool sunglasses," Mewtwo corrected.

"Right," said Dark Pit, "No thanks. I'll stick to being 'not cool'." Mewtwo and Charizard both shrugged.

"Suit yourself," said Mewtwo, "You're missing out on a wave of coolness. Keep the sick glasses though in case you change your mind and decide to become super cool like us." Dark Pit looked around them as they walked back and saw their crowd. Two seconds later, he snapped the sunglasses in half and returned to his studying, not regretting his decision in the slightest.

Dark Pit went on in his battle notes. He had come up with about three new strategies when he heard sobbing start at the opposite end of the table.

"No one understands… It's so horrible… The poor duckies… how could I have let them… let them die like this!? Why couldn't I save them!?" As much as Dark Pit would have liked to ignore this, he looked up from his battle notes. Ike was across the table from him now, bawling his eyes out.

"It's okay Ike…" Ike said in self-consolation, "It's okay… You… you did your… your best…" Ike's tears began drenching the table and his sobbing overtook his ability to talk. Dark Pit shook his head and began to head back to working on his notes, but Ike addressed him directly.

"It's such a cruel world!" Ike cried to him, falling onto the table and snapping it in half. Dark Pit stared at Ike, who now lied on the ground. The swordsman began to crawl towards him, but Dark Pit backed his chair away. Ike grabbed his foot.

"Please help me!" he cried, "I can't take the pain! All of the poor… the poor duckies… They were so young! I couldn't save them! Just end it, please!"

"What the hell are you talking about?" Dark Pit asked.

"THE DUCKIES!" Ike wailed, "WHYYYYYY!?" Dark Pit kicked him off in disgust and he continued his sobbing on the ground. His tears were making a rather large puddle. Dark Pit shook his head and returned to the notes once again. He was interrupted again a minute later by Mewtwo, who flew over and began talking to Ike.

"Yo, you gotta try these shades," said Mewtwo, causing Dark Pit to look up again, "They make all your problems just… poof! ... vanish in a wave of coolness." Ike slowly took the shades from Mewtwo and put them on. Immediately, he got up off of the floor.

"Whoa…" he said, drying his tears, "They're so cool."

"Right?" Mewtwo said, "It's so radically cool. All of the problems…"

"They just went… poof!" Ike finished. They did a fist bump and a secret handshake before Ike walked over to the 'cool' table with the psychic feline. Dark Pit just sat against the wall in his chair and looked at the ceiling, just thinking about all of the other things he could have done with 6 billion hearts. It was at that moment that a speeding dino blew through the dining hall. The "cool" table was overturned and its patrons were scattered on the floor. Fire erupted from the ground in the speeding dino's wake. Several more tables were overturned. Some were thrown into the air. The fire began to spread. Needless to say, the dining hall was ending up a senseless wreck.

The speeding dino then directed his attention at Dark Pit. The black angel's eyes widened. He dove out of the way and the threat burned straight through the wall, leaving the dining room to burn behind him.

Dark Pit could only stare in shock for a few moments. The people who had been at the cool table scrambled to reconvene. As they whispered among themselves, the speeding dino reversed his course. Dark Pit tripped over his feet trying to jump out of the way. He was thrown into the air and acutely knocked out when he hit the ceiling.

* * *

Lucina sidled up against the wall outside of the door to Peach's laboratory. She heard cheerful humming coming from the inside. Then, Peach began talking to herself.

"Now, the carbon fiber… mixed with hydrogen…" she trailed off into humming again. Lucina crept inside and ducked behind one of the lab counters. Peach began talking again.

"Then the lead…" There was an explosion. Lucina froze. As the smoke cleared, she realized that the lab counter had been destroyed. Peach stood in the middle of the lab, hair frazzled, and covered in soot.

"Whoops," she said with small chuckle, "An ounce too much." The princess took notice of Lucina. The swordswoman quickly stood up and brushed off some dust. Then she drew her sword.

"Hello there," said Peach, "So nice to see you again! I apologize. Usually I clean up before I have guests in. Just a second…" She snapped her fingers and the lab immediately began cleaning itself up. Within ten seconds, it was spotless. Peach put her hands together with a smile.

"That's more like it," she said. Lucina took a step back with wide eyes.

"So it's true…" she said in a hushed whisper, "You do practice black magic…"

"Well, I don't know if I would specifically classify this as 'black' magic, but—"

The Falchion was at Peach's nose in a second.

"Sorceress…" Lucina said fiercely, "I find hatred in my heart for your kind! You are a violator! A wielder of the darkest of the dark arts! YOU WILL BE PUNISHED FOR YOUR MISDEEDS! EN GUARD!" She swung her sword to slash Peach right across the chest, but when it hit her, nothing happened. Lucina, in a fit of confusion, swung three more times. The sword bounced off each time.

"WHAT!?" she cried, "What is this sorcery!?" Suddenly, Peach moved, very quickly (and backwards), to the other side of the room.

"What are you doing!?" Peach screamed. Lucina stared at her in confusion and then looked down at her sword.

"You swung that thing at me!" Peach screamed, "That's against lab safety regulations!"

"I don't understand…" Lucina said in awe, "My sword has failed me… Why is this? I have never seen such magic…" She was so absorbed in her dilemma that she didn't notice Peach walking up to her with a frying pan.

Peach sighed as she stowed away the frying pan and leaned against one of her non-destroyed lab counters.

"Well that was an ordeal…" she said, "What a skank! She could have killed me! And how could she be so ignorant of lab safety procedures? I never thought I'd be so thankful for lag spikes…" With that said, she went back to working on her formula, leaving Lucina unconscious on the floor.

* * *

As Dark Pit came to, he saw Sheik standing over him. He blinked his eyes open.

"You're awake…" said Sheik, "Wonderful. I need your help."

"Wha—" Sheik put a finger to his lips and he hushed.

"Yoshi is on a rampage again," said Sheik, "You got close enough to him to see his face. I need you to tell me what kind of anger he is experiencing." Dark Pit blinked again.

"What?" he said in confusion.

"His face," said Sheik, "What did it look like?"

"I… didn't see his face," said Dark Pit as he slowly sat up, "What are you even talking about?"

"I'm talking about Yoshi," said Sheik, growing impatient, "He's mad. Salty. Filled with rage."

"No, I mean with the 'types of anger' thing," said Dark Pit. Sheik sighed.

"There are multiple variations on the emotion of anger," said Sheik, "Just like there are for sadness, happiness, et cetera, et cetera. You know? Like Behavioral, and Passive, and Judgmental—"

"Okay," said Dark Pit, interrupting her, "I get it. I really don't but whatever. What does that all have to do with his face? And how do you—"

"DON'T!"

Dark Pit jumped five feet in the air and landed on his feet. Sheik was behind him now.

"Question the ways of the Sheikah," she finished.

"Please don't ever do that again," said Dark Pit, crossing his arms, "You nearly gave me a heart attack."

"But that was the point," said Sheik.

"What, to give me a heart attack?" Dark Pit inquired as he turned around.

"No," said Sheik. Dark Pit stared at her as though she was going on. She nodded at him. He made waving motions with his hands. She responded in kind. Eventually, they were flailing at each other and looking quite stupid trying to figure out how to continue the conversation. Thankfully, they wouldn't have to figure it out because Yoshi blew straight through the wall behind Sheik and knocked them both flat on their backs.

"There he goes again…" said Sheik, staring at the ceiling, "Burning this place to the ground."

"He's not the only one," said Dark Pit with a sigh.

"Tell me about it," said Sheik. They went on with a much less stupid conversation for the next thirty minutes, wherein they discussed each and every little nag about every single smasher. Then Yoshi made another pass and the wall closest to them collapsed to the ground. The ceiling subsequently caved in and Shulk was dropped on top of their heads, dressed solely in his underwear.

"What in tarnation!?" Shulk screamed as he jumped up from the ground. Sheik grabbed Dark Pit and threw down a smoke bomb before the situation could get stupid. Shulk stared at the rubble in confusion.

"Now how do ya reckon that happened?" he pondered. Then Zelda walked by. She took one look at the rubble and one look at Shulk. Then the situation got stupid.

* * *

Sheik and Dark Pit reappeared a few hallways down. Sheik knelt to catch her breath and Dark Pit stumbled about in a daze.

"What was that?" he asked as he caught himself. Sheik pointed at him with a fierce glare.

"You will forget everything you just saw and experienced immediately," she said. Dark Pit blinked.

"What?" he said after a few moments.

"Good," said Sheik, standing up and stretching.

"What?" Dark Pit asked again.

"We've got to stop that Yoshi," said Sheik, "That's what. Or stupid things are going to happen."

"Oh…" said Dark Pit, "Right. How do we do that?"

"We'll need a trap…" said Sheik, "Probably a trip wire, some needles… Maybe a trap door. Which means we'll need a shovel…"

"Sounds really stupid and convoluted," said Dark Pit, crossing his arms. He blinked. Sheik had disappeared.

"Uh… hello?" he said, slightly confused.

"DON'T!"

Dark Pit screamed and hit his head on the ceiling again. He landed on his bottom. Sheik now stood before him.

"Question the ways of the Sheikah," she finished.

"How many people have you killed with that move?" Dark Pit asked.

"None yet," said Sheik, "I'm working on it. But I suppose you're right… it does sound a bit complicated… Any ideas?"

"Well, in my experience, I've found that anything that gets hit in the head with a club tends to calm down very quickly," said Dark Pit. Sheik's eyes brightened.

"It's genius!" she said breathlessly, "To the item storage!"

(Insert Batman jingle here)

Moments later, the two conspirators arrived at the locked door to the item storage. There was a keypad on the wall to the right of it.

"Wow, keypad technology?" Dark Pit said in disbelief, "That's a bit outdated."

"We're pretty conservative around here," Sheik replied, "Besides, no one uses items anyway nowadays. So no one gives a crap."

"So do we know the password?" Dark Pit asked.

"Nope," said Sheik. Dark Pit facefaulted.

"But," said Sheik, "I've got some guesses up my sleeve. The Prime Minister does all of the codes for locked doors around here. And when you've gotten as far into that guy's head as I have… you get some ideas. So…" She typed in the code 2579. The door opened. Dark Pit's jaw dropped.

"Told you," said Sheik.

"What?" Dark Pit squeaked.

"You don't want to know," said Sheik, "Trust me."

The two of them walked into the item storage. The room was massive. There were shelves reaching all the way to the ceiling and on each one were countless boxes of items. Dark Pit walked up to one box and found that it was full of white chickens. He reached down to touch one but Sheik grabbed him by the shoulder and shook her head menacingly.

"What?" said Dark Pit, "They're chickens."

"Correction," said Sheik firmly, "They are vengeful, white-feathered fowl thirsty for blood. Your blood. So don't touch. They will find you, and they will kill you."

"But—" Sheik put a finger to his lips and crossed another against her throat. Dark Pit nodded and Sheik backed away.

"So… this is where they all come from?" Dark Pit inquired. Sheik nodded.

"Bots come through and throw them into the pit in the center during matches with items turned on," said Sheik.

"How are we gonna find anything in here?" Dark Pit asked. Sheik closed her eyes and pointed her finger at something on the ceiling. Dark Pit saw that it was a robot. Sheik's brow furrowed. Then, suddenly, the robot whirred to life. Dark Pit watched as it disappeared behind a row of shelves. Five seconds later, it veered around the corner holding a box filled with Ore Clubs. It put the box on the ground in front of them and Sheik opened her eyes and dismissed it. Dark Pit shook his head.

"Is there anything you can't do?" Dark Pit asked.

"Nope," Sheik replied, "Do you know how to use one of these things?" She threw a club at him and he caught it with both hands.

"Yeah," said Dark Pit.

"Good," said Sheik, "Let's do this."

* * *

Dark Pit stood at the ready at the entrance to the dining hall. The cool table was still convening nearby. They had added a few to their number, including PAC-Man and the male Villager, who stroked his sunglasses-wearing tree with every bit of style that he could.

The black angel heard rumbling coming from the hallway. He readied his swing. Sheik appeared at the entrance to the dining hall moments later and then jumped out of the way as Yoshi turned the corner. Dark Pit swung with all of his might. Yoshi was hit directly in the face and thrown straight through two ceilings out of the Manor. Dark Pit looked up through the hole that had been created.

"Did I overdo it?" he asked Sheik. Sheik shook her head.

"They liked it," she said, gesturing to all of the sunglasses-wearing Smashers nearby who were applauding with golf claps. Except the Villager. He was too busy stroking his tree.

"Good job," said Sheik, "Thank you for your help."

"Any day," said Dark Pit shaking her hand. As they turned to leave, Yoshi smashed into the ground behind them, completely knocked out.

"He even stuck the landing," said Sheik, not missing a beat, "Ten out of ten."

"Thank you," said Dark Pit. And with that, they left the room.

* * *

**A/N: Well, this is the first chapter of fanfiction I'm publishing in about... four months? At some point I just lost the drive completely. But here's a little something while I'm trying to recover. Sorry (#notsorry) to possibly make you re-read the first six or seven chapters of this over again to get some of the running gags. Hope you all enjoy! :) And remember, I assume my audience doesn't take anything I say or do in this story seriously. Just as a disclaimer.**


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